


[N] Take me home

by Zeronay



Category: GOT7
Genre: But this got very OT7 heavy somehow, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, I wanted to write a Jackbum fic, Light Angst, Love, M/M, i just love their friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-08-29 23:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16753516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeronay/pseuds/Zeronay
Summary: In retrospect, maybe leaving Korea because he fell in love with Jaebum and then coming back four years later to compete at the Olympics as a fencer wasn't Jackson's brightest idea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!  
> I'm back with another story, this time one with multiple parts.  
> It took me over a year to write the whole story and it still isn't finished yet but I'm very much at the end of it.  
> Before you start to read, I'd like to point out some things:  
> 1\. All of the information about fencing used in this story is based on internet research. I didn't know anything about the sport so I had to google it all.  
> 2\. I know that the Olympics don't work like I describe them in the following chapters. But it works like this in this story because all of it comes from my imagination anyway.  
> 3\. Even though this is a Jackbum fic, it also is a fic about the whole team and friendship of Got7.  
> 4\. Some other idols will make an appearance in the following chapters and I know that Got7 and especially Jackson have other friends besides BTS and Monsta X. But out of these friends, these two groups are the ones I know the best so I used them for the story.  
> 5\. I took several long breaks while writing this story so I'm sorry if I repeat myself or anything doesn't make sense.  
> 6\. MY NATIVE LANGUAGE IS NOT ENGLISH. So I'm very sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. If there are some that really annoy you, feel free to point them out and I will correct them.  
> 7\. Got7, the members and their music doesn't belong to me and I'm just using them as persons for this story. I don't mean to offend anybody with anything and I'm very sorry if someone is offended by anything I write, that wasn't and isn't my intention.  
> 8\. It says that this story will have 12 chapters but I don't know how many chapters it will really have. Until now, there are 9 finished chapters but as I said before, I haven't finished the story yet.  
> 10\. THE BOYS ARE STILL ALL LIVING IN THE DORM! It was just easier to write it this way.
> 
> Now, have fun reading this and feel free to tell me how you like it. I don't know yet when I will upload the next chapter but stay tuned for more!  
> Bye!

Jackson had an important enough reason to be back, but he still felt uncomfortable. It was weird to be this familiar with his surroundings when he hadn't been here for four whole years. It seemed like everything of this country had itself burned into his memories and there was no way he could get rid of it.

He was alone. It had been hard enough to even decide to come back to South Korea and he thought he would feel the most comfortable when he wasn't with anyone else, but he questioned his decision the moment he stepped out of the plane. He wasn't feeling comfortable at all.

Flashbacks of past scenarios slipped into his mind and all he could see for a moment were a ton of people surrounding him, holding their smartphones up as if they were taking pictures or making videos and he could hear voices screaming names, often his, but a lot of times also six others.

He blinked a couple of times and all of it was gone. Just a memory, one of many, tucked away somewhere in the back of his mind. He didn't like thinking about the past. It made him feel sick to his stomach and there was this heavy feeling tugging at his heart that he couldn't describe or decipher.

He wasn't scared that someone would recognize him but he was still wearing a mask and a cap that almost covered all of his eyes. It was a habit that he had kept as he had left South Korea all this years ago and he refused to break it.

So as he was walking through the different halls to get out of the airport, some of the people looked at him curiously but he didn't mind them. They would just think that he was someone who tried to hop on the fashion-train of celebrities even so he wasn't one. Not anymore. He didn't even look like one anymore. His hair was back to his natural colour, his clothes weren't fancy or expensive, just average, and his face was free of any make up. Except of the mask and the cap, he looked just like everyone else, he wasn't anything special anymore.

At least not on the outside. But his insides were extraordinary.

His heart was still as big as it used to be and his personality was still as bright as it always had been. But he was not as loud anymore. He calmed down over the years and some might even say that he was a different person now, but that wasn't true. He just learned whom he can trust and around whom he can be just himself. And there weren't many people around him anymore with whom he was still feeling just that. And six of the few he was still feeling comfortable enough with to let his guards down, were out of his reach, pushed away by himself.

He had a lot of stuff to carry around with him. He wasn't here on a vacation after all. He couldn't decide yet if it was a misfortune or a bliss that the Olympic games just had to take place in South Korea this time and that he was just now ready and trained enough to participate in them.

No one except his family knew that he had started fencing again and he practically vanished from the earth's surface four years ago. No one knew where he was or where he even went first of all and he trained isolated from the public. He didn't participate in any competitions in all this years and he didn't leave Hong Kong once. It was a pretty lonely and unilateral life.

But now he was here and he was excited to be back but still anxious. He couldn't stop his heart from pounding fast in his chest. His hands were shaking and sweating as the exit finally came in sight and someone accidentally bumped into him. The middle-aged man seemed to be in a hurry and just quickly said his apologies, didn't even think of picking up the things that had fallen to the ground, and hurried away.

Jackson kneeled down to pick up some pieces of paper that fell out of one of his bags, as suddenly some girls were shrieking. He turned around to see what was happening. His blood ran cold and he turned back around, quickly picking up his things and fencing swords and standing back up again.

Six young men he just knew too well were coming right in his direction, heading for the exit as well, and he quickly took a few steps to the side and turned his face away, even though no one could technically recognize him while his features were still hidden behind a mask and a cap.

There were still loud voices around him even after a few moments and as he turned his head, he saw that the six of them had stopped in their walk to give some fans an autograph. They were standing merely five metres away and he let his eyes linger on them a moment longer.

They hadn't changed much. Not on the outside at least. Their hair was still colorful and their clothes still fashionable. They looked perfect just like they always had and you couldn't really see that they had aged in the past few years. Sure, they looked more mature, especially Yugyeom and Bambam, but apart from that, they still seemed to be the same persons.

Jackson just stared at them for some time, trying to burn their images into his memories and maybe they noticed his lingering stare because suddenly Bambam turned around and looked him straight in the eyes. He was never more happy to wear a face mask and turned his face away.

He wanted to wait for them to walk away actually, but he couldn't help himself when he quickly grabbed his stuff, struggled for a moment to keep all his belongings in balance to not accidentally drop anything again, and quickly made his way out of the airport. In a matter of minutes, he sat in one of the cabs outside and the driver started the car to bring him to his required destination.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Bambam was tired, to say that at least. Just like the rest of them as they piled out of the plane with all the other people.

They had gone to the US a week ago for some concerts and a bit of freetime and they had spent the latter either at Mark's house or at the beach. Their skin was accordingly sun kissed.

It was a Wednesday morning, they didn't expect any of their fans waiting for them, but as they were walking out of the security check and into the main airport, some girls were there. They politely said their greetings and quickly walked past them in the direction of the exit. The girls followed them at a respectful distance and some more joined them as the six boys were near the exit. The newly joined ones made some screeching noises and they stopped in their walk to give the few of them an autograph.

Bambam didn't notice it at first but as he was writing his signature in a small notebook, he felt a lingering gaze at the back of his head, just like if someone not that far away would constantly stare at him.

He turned around, after he gave one of the girls the notebook back, and stared straight into the eyes of a young man. Bambam couldn't believe his eyes. The young man's stature and his face, even though it was hidden behind a mask, were so familiar and just like Jackson's that his breath catched in his throat.

The young man immediatly noticed that Bambam stared back at him and quickly grabbed his things and walked away, out of the airport. Bambam would have run after him if he hadn't still stood right in front of some of their fans.

That couldn't be a coincidence. Jackson's looks weren't average and Bambam was sure that he could recognize him even a few hundred metres away.

As they finally said their goodbyes to the girls, he quickly walked ahead of the others and looked around when he finally stood outside.

“Is everything alright, Bam?“, Jaebum asked ones he and the others were standing next to their second youngest.  
Bambam frowned. “Yes... It's just... I know, that might sound crazy, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Jackson-hyung.“  
Jaebum froze. That wasn't possible. “I think you just mistook someone else for him.“, he simply said and turned his attention towards the black van that just then drove up in front of them.  
“Maybe you're right...“, Bambam mumbled, more to himself than to his hyung.

They got into the van one after another and their manager greeted them, before he took them home.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson could still feel Bambam's eyes burning holes into the back of his head, even when he was already in his hotel room. He felt like some creepy stalker. He had stared at them like a maniac. And he was pretty sure that Bambam had recognized him.

He was so stupid. He had promised himself beforehand that he would avoid any situations or actions that would cause a lot of attention what in turn would mean that there was a possible chance for his ex-members to find out that he was back in South Korea. Just him participating at the Olympic games would be furor enough. His name was still well-known, anyone who knew Got7 a bit better knew that he once was a member of said idol group. He knew that his identity would be discovered sooner or later, but he wasn't willing to risk his hidden being until then.

He sighed, slumped down onto the bed and just stared at the ceiling for a moment. It was already dark outside and all he had done since this morning was laze around in his hotel room. He didn't want to go outside, he feared he could meet anybody who might could recognize him. Besides that, he needed the rest. The Olympic games would start on Saturday and he intended to train the next few days. This way he could keep himself too busy to think of anything else than fencing.

That tactic had functioned perfectly the last few years and he was sure that it would work another time. He really hasn't thought that much during the days about his past. Only when he couldn't sleep at night, and that had happened often, did he think about the six boys that he just couldn't forget however much he tried. Especially one out of the six had haunted his thoughts, already when he was still in Seoul. And he was also the reason he had left.

Or more, _she_ was the reason he had left. The girl that had the honor to hold Jaebum's heart in her hands.

He knew that he hadn't had a chance that Jaebum could return his feelings and he accepted that. But it still hurt nevertheless. It hurt to see him everyday and not be able to touch him in more than a friendly way. He wanted to kiss him, hold him, _just be with him_. But he was content as long as he could stay right beside him. And then _she_ happened.

It was suddenly and no one expected it. No one had even known her or seen her before and Jaebum didn't want to tell them how they had met.

From that day on, their leader began to change. He neglected the group, showed up too late to meetings and just wasn't himself. Nothing besides his girlfriend seemed to matter anymore and it didn't only hurt Jackson, it hurt the others too. Jaebum always had been the one who had put the group before anything and anyone else.

After some time, Jackson just couldn't take it anymore. She was almost always with them. At practice, at events, she even seemed to practically live in their dorm at some point. But the problem was he couldn't hate her. She was cute and nice and gentle and she seemed to make Jaebum happy. That was all that mattered and so Jackson just left one day, without even saying goodbye or apologizing for leaving so suddenly. He didn't know how. He only knew that he wouldn't leave anymore the moment he would see the faces of his members.

Of course they tried to reach out to him but he blocked every attempt they made. He deleted their contacts, changed his number and told everyone who knew where he was and who they could possibly try to contact that they shouldn't reveal his whereabouts. After some time their attempts became less, until they finally died down completely.

And here he was now. In a second-rate hotel in the middle of Seoul, about to participate at the Olympic games and not sure if he even wanted to be here. Sure, he was happy to be back. Seoul was his second home and he could do one of the things he loved. Fencing. But he didn't think that he was ready to face the others. And that would probably happen, at the latest when it would get known that he was here and that not as an idol but as an athlete. The news would spread like a wildfire.

But there was still also the possibility that the other six boys never wanted to see him again and it didn't matter at all if he was ready or not to face them. Maybe he had killed their careers or they got all the blame for his disappearance even though they weren't at fault. He wouldn't know because he purposely didn't follow their career after he left. He couldn't bear that.

He sighed again and rolled onto his side to face the windows. The hotel was very high and he was on one of the top floors thus he had a perfect view over Seoul, even while he was laying on the bed.

He turned the lights off after some time and crawled under the bedsheets, still facing the windows and the skyline of Seoul.

And while he was looking at the night sky and the lights of the city, he slowly drifted off to sleep, the faces of six boys, one in particular, still in his head.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Bambam was more awake than ever. His body was exhausted but his mind was running in circles. He was restless ever since the incident this morning. He couldn't believe that it should have been just a coincidence that the man had looked just like Jackson, so he searched the internet for any evidence. But it was really like Jackson had just vanished from the earth's surface four years ago. Not even one of their fans had caught a glimpse of him.

He sighed and leaned against the cushions of their couch. He didn't know what to do. He was almost one hundred percent sure that he had seen Jackson this morning. And if he was right, someone would see him someday, be it one of them, one of their idol friends or one of their fans. He couldn't hide forever and Bambam really wasn't sure how he would react if it turned out that Jackson really was back.

He held some kind of grudge against him for leaving them. But he also missed him very much. All of them missed him. Jackson always had been their happy-pill, their daily dose of sunshine even when it rained. He was the moodmaker, the always happy one, the one they would go to when they needed someone to talk. He left a hole in their midst and in their hearts as he suddenly vanished four years ago without an explanation.

Bambam slightly startled as the others piled into the living room one after another and he couldn't shut his laptop in time to hide what he was doing. Jinyoung raised an eyebrow when he saw what their second youngest had searched for.

“I thought we left the phase where we searched everywhere for Jackson behind us a long time ago.“, he commented and sat down beside Bambam.  
“I still think that I saw him at the airport this morning. I just wanted to make sure that there aren't any new hints. We haven't searched for it in a long time.“  
Bambam shut his laptop and stood up. The others eyed him skeptically.  
“I know you don't believe me.“, he said as he was slowly walking towards his and Yugyeom's shared bedroom. “But it was four years ago that he had left and there's a possible chance that he's back in Seoul. For whatever reason.“

“He does have a point.“, Mark said once their second youngest was out of earshot.  
“He was the only one who had seen that guy that should have been Jackson.“, Jinyoung commented. “I think he just mistook him. Why should Jackson be back after all this time?“  
“I don't know. Bambam misses him. We all do.“, Jaebum spoke up from where he was sitting on the end of the couch, eyes never leaving the turned on TV. Mark and Jinyoung exchanged a quick glance but answered nothing.

Bambam came back in his pyjamas five minutes later and they watched TV in mutual silence until they fell asleep on the couch, snuggled together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs that were my inspiration:
> 
> "Stay" by Hurts  
> "Take me home" by Jess Glynne  
> "One Love" by Marianas Trench


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I'm back with the second chapter! I'm posting this before I have to go to school, so I have to hurry a bit, but I wanted you to enjoy this before the comeback in a few hours. I'm really excited for it!
> 
> Now, please enjoy the new chapter and if you want, tell me what you think about it!
> 
> I will upload a new chapter every monday!
> 
> See you then! Bye!

Panting and sweating heavily, Jackson took off his helmet and sat down on one of the benches on the side. He almost completely chugged down a bottle of water in one go and only stopped as he heard a familiar melody mixing together with the sounds and voices in the training hall. Music from the radio was playing quietly in the background and it just happened to be a Got7 song that came on next.

It was ten in the morning. He was already training for about three hours with some of the other representatives of China that had arrived a day earlier than him and until now he hadn't thought about anything else than fencing this morning.

He slowly closed his bottle of water and was about to ignore the music and continue to train with one of his teammembers, when another one called from the other side of the hall. “Hey Jackson, isn't that you and your little singing association? Really thought you would sound better than this.“ He laughed and some others followed.

A few months ago, Jackson would have gotten angry and probably would have even punched the guy if he would have continued to insult his former members. It didn't matter if it was him that got insulted but he really couldn't stand insults directed at the other six. But right now he just sighed in annoyance, put his helmet back on and got into position, his training partner following. He learned to ignore these comments, knew that they weren't the truth. They didn't affect him that much anymore.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

At the same time that morning, the six others were having dance practice.

Just a few days ago their manager had excitedly opened the door to their hotel room in the US, grinning from ear to ear. They got the opportunity to perform at the Olympic games and that not just once, no. They would perform on every single day and they were excited to promote their upcoming album and themselves as a group.

Since Jackson had left, it was difficult to uphold the amount of promoting he had been doing. Jackson was the kind of guy that would use every opportunity he got to make their name more known. He always had been so proud whenever he had talked about their group on a variety show or in an interview. Another reason why they couldn't understand his sudden disappearance. They always thought Jackson loved them more than anything, but four years ago they were left wondering if that really was the truth after all.

They had already trained for a few hours when JB finally announced a short break and they all collapsed to the floor exhausted. Jaebum just grinned and turned the music off. He sat down beside Yugyeom on the floor and opened his water bottle.

“Hyung...can I ask you something?“, their youngest suddenly asked and turned towards Jaebum. JB startled a bit, put his water bottle down and looked at Yugyeom.  
“Sure. What is it?“  
“I was just wondering if...“, he hesitated for a moment. “Why is it so impossible that Jackson-hyung could be back?“

Jaebum visibly tensed and just looked at the maknae for a moment. He had expected a lot of questions but not this one and he didn't really know what to answer. Luckily Mark stood in.  
“It's not impossible, Yugyeom-ah.“, he said. “It's just that...why should he be back all of a sudden?“  
“But I really saw him!“, Bambam piped up. “He was wearing a mask and a cap but it was really Jackson I saw! And he recognized us too!“  
Jinyoung gave him a sympathetic look. “I understand that you miss him Bam. But maybe you just mistook someone for him. There really isn't a logical explanation for why Jackson should be back in South Korea.“  
“And even if“, Jaebum said with a hardened expression. “It's none of our business. He left us.“  
With that he got up and walked over to the computer to start the music again, signalizing that their break was over. Jinyoung just sighed, exchanged a meaningful look with Mark and got up from the floor to get into position.

Jaebum got really defensive and even more stubborn than usual everytime someone would say Jackson's name in his presence. The topic “Jackson“ was a really sensitive one and only Jaebum knew exactly why he was like that and he didn't plan to tell anybody anytime soon. He only realized it for himself when it was already too late and there was nothing he regretted more.

He didn't know when exactly it had started but he could remember that someday during an interview, he suddenly had this thought in his head when he looked at Jackson laughing about something Bambam had said. “I'd like to kiss him right now.“

He was mildly freaked out after that. Not at the thought of being gay or bi but at the thought that it was Jackson and they were supposed to like each other just as friends or brothers. But he couldn't just turn his feelings and thoughts off and he was terrified that he would someday accidentally slip up and reveal what he really felt for Jackson. So he tried to distract himself. And somehow it worked.

He met his “girlfriend“ in a bar a few weeks after realising his feelings for Jackson. Ironically she had the same problem as him. She liked her best friend and that not in a friendly way.

At first they just talked about their problems and thoughts. They met up or texted and Jaebum found that he genuinely liked her. But just as a friend. In her case it was the same, she told him that once, and somehow someday they got this idea. The idea of pretending to date each other so they wouldn't have to admit to themselves that they liked their best friends.

They thought it would make things easier but from that point onwards, everything went downhill.

They met up on every opportunity they got to make it as realistic as possible that they were dating. She would sit on the side when their were having dance practice or vocal lessons and he would come over when she met some friends. They didn't notice their mistake until suddenly Jackson was gone and her best friend decided to study abroad. Immediately, they decided to “break up“, even though they were never really dating in the first place, but it was already too late. At least for Jaebum.

His “ex-girlfriend“ chased after her best friend and confessed her feelings and luckily her best friend shared her affection. Jaebum tried to do that too, the confessing part, searched everywhere for Jackson and asked everyone he could think of, but it was just like he had vanished from the earth's surface. He was nowhere to be found.

After some time, he and the others gave up even though they really wanted to know Jackson's motives for leaving. They settled on the explanation that he just didn't want to be with them anymore and he didn't saw another way out to just disappear without a word. It left a bitter feeling inside of them and they slowly began to hold a grudge against Jackson, even though they really missed him.

After some time, their fans noticed that Jackson hadn't been seen in a long time and they had to give a statement about the situation. JYP thought it would be the best to just tell the public that Jackson didn't want to be an idol anymore. As expected, their fans were disappointed but understanding.

The news of Jackson's drop out were discussed highly for a few days in a lot of talk shows and magazines, until they finally died down after a week or two. That the people could forget a person like Jackson that quickly made the other six members slightly angry but in the end it was his own choice to leave and thus his own choice to be forgotten. Maybe he had wanted just that.

Only some of their idol friends, mostly BTS or Monsta X, sometimes also Btob or other idols, talked about Jackson with them. Especially Namjoon and Jooheon couldn't understand their friend's sudden disappearance and promised that they would try everything to find him. But not even someone as smart and with as much influence as Namjoon could find someone that apparently didn't want to be find at all costs. It was a hopeless case and they left it to be hopeless.

But even after all these years, there was still this empty hole in their midst that apparently not only they could feel. From time to time Namjoon or Jooheon or someone else would ask if they got some news regarding Jackson, even so everybody knew that there weren't any and that there certainly wouldn't be any in the near future.

Even their fans still remembered Jackson. Of course they did. Especially shortly after Jackson was gone but sometimes even now after four years, the six of them would come together in their living room and would watch some compilations or other videos about their group and every time Jackson was also in almost all of them. Even nowadays there were some fans who still made edits, memes or videos about their missing member and it broke their hearts.

Dance practice wasn't the same, vocal lessons weren't the same and hell, even boring meetings weren't the same without Jackson. Got7 just wasn't the same without him. But they tried nevertheless to make it work. And apparently it worked. They were on what seemed to be their career high, they won awards and their comeback songs charted always on place one, letting them, with the help of their fans, win on all the music programs and one year after Jackson's disappearance they even got their first triple crown. They had gotten all they could wish for but it still wasn't enough to fill the empty spot in their midst.

Even JYP noticed that. Almost one year after Jackson had left, he suggested to cast a new member to fill up Jackson's empty spot, but the six of them protested strongly. They didn't want anyone new. They wanted Jackson. JYP eventually understood but nevertheless suggested that they should at least change their group name, they were not seven anymore after all. They disclined that as well, with the explanation that they started as a seven member group and even though Jackson had left them and they were disappointed, he still was a member of Got7 and he would forever be one. JYP eventually gave up completely and they carried on as a six member group with their original name.

One evening, a few months after Jackson had left, Yugyeom had made the mistake to open a link in his instagram DM's that someone had sent him. It lead to a fanfiction. Yugyeom knew that these things existed but he had never read one before. There wasn't a description about the content but the person who had sent him the link had promised that it wasn't one of these nasty fanfictions and so Yugyeom spent most of his free evening reading it.

Bambam found him later that evening sitting on his bed, curled up in a blanket and looking very upset. It took him and the others more than fifteen minutes to get a full explanation out of their youngest. Apparently the story he had read dealt with their current situation and pictured a scenario where Jackson had also left but with an explanation. In the story, he blamed the six of them and made it very clear that he never felt like he belonged and that he had never liked them and just stuck with them for the fame and the money. Even though they didn't know why Jackson had left, they all wanted to believe that in their real life he had a good enough reason and that said reason wasn't like the one in the story.

Yugyeom assured them that he didn't believe Jackson's reasons were like the ones in the fanfiction, but the story was just so well and realistically written that he couldn't help but be upset about it. After that, they never opened a link in their DM's ever again.

At the moment, they were still practicing as hard as ever and startled out of their dancing trance when their manager opened the door and announced a meeting in a few minutes where they would go over the details of their performances at the Olympic games once more.

They wiped their sweat, drank a bit of water and then followed their manager to one of the meeting rooms where the rest of the staff was already waiting for them. The next few hours were spent talking about their stage outfits, the songs they would perform and all the other important and necessary things they needed to talk about.

It was early evening when they could finally go, picked up their things from the practice room and piled into the van. A few minutes later, their manager drove them home and they soon fell asleep in their beds, after they hungrily ate some leftovers from the day before.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson had also spent the rest of his day practicing and was so tired in the evening that he fell asleep without eating anything. He woke up accordingly hungry and therefore early the next morning and got up to fill his empty stomach.

He didn't know how he got the idea and he knew that it was risky, but after he took a shower and got dressed, he decided to eat breakfast in a café. And not just any café, no. He just couldn't resist the urge to see the JYPE building again and the familiar surroundings of the district it was in and so he decided to go to a café near the entertainment building where he had gone to often with the members in the past.

It was a sunny day and so he decided to walk and take the subway to his destination. Just to make sure no one would recognize him, he put his mask and cap on again before he walked outside and began to make his way towards the next subway station.

He got more and more nervous the closer he got to the café and he couldn't help but smile as he finally got off the subway and walked through a very familiar neighbourhood. He was reminded of the times when he walked in these streets together with the other six members and his chest felt tight. He longed for those times.

A little bell rang as he opened the door to the little café. It hadn't changed much, only the chairs were replaced by newer ones and he sat down in the back and looked at the menu. A waitress came a few minutes later and he ordered a coffee and a sandwich. While he waited for his order, he looked around.

He was the only customer at the moment and the café was immersed in a peaceful quietness. The morning sun lit up the seats in front of the windows and left a pretty glow. He almost didn't notice them in time, practically jumped out of his seat at the last moment and ran towards the toilets.

It was a scenario that he should have expected when he decided to eat practically in front of the JYPE building but it was nevertheless something he hoped wouldn't happen.

A few moments ago, his six former members had made their way into the little café and were currently standing in front of the counter, ordering some coffee. Jackson peeked through a gap in the door and watched as they finally sat down at one of the larger tables in front of the windows. He waited a few moments until he was sure they were distracted. Then he quickly walked to the counter and asked the girl behind it to pack his things in a bag because he had decided to take his order with him. While she was getting his things ready, he took a quick look behind him and saw that the six of them were still distracted by their conversation.

Jackson quickly paid when the girl gave him his order and walked as normal as possible towards the door. He almost laughed at his luck, when the bell above the door rang once again and six pairs of eyes were suddenly fixed on him. He cursed under his breath and tried not to show any reaction. He walked out the door, turned left and practically started running the moment he was sure he was out of sight.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The six of them were immersed in their conversation when they got startled by the little bell above the door. They looked up and saw a man with a cap and a mask, that somehow looked familiar, leaving the café. They would have just ignored him if Bambam had not jumped up suddenly and ran after him.

Youngjae looked confused at the other members when Yugyeom's eyes suddenly widened and he spoke up.  
“That was Jackson.“, he said and realization made his way onto the other's faces.  
“Bambam had said the truth the whole time.“, Jinyoung mumbled more to himself than to the others.  
“He looked somehow familiar but I thought that it was just a coincidence that he resembled someone we know.“, Youngjae said as Mark got up.  
“Come on guys. We have to find Bambam.“

It didn't take them long to find their second youngest member. Bambam collided with them as they turned around the next corner outside of the café. He was a bit out of breath and he supported himself on the wall with a hand.

“Do you believe me now? It was Jackson I saw. Why would he make a run for it otherwise?“, he said after a few seconds. “I tried to catch up with him but he was too fast. I lost him somewhere around the subway station.“  
“I can't believe he's back.“, Youngjae said and Yugyeom nodded approvingly.  
“What the heck is he doing here?“, Jinyoung voiced out loud what they were all thinking.  
Mark was about to say that he didn't have any clue, when Jaebum, who had kept quiet the whole time, suddenly spoke up and ended their discussion.  
“That's none of our business.“

With that he turned around and walked towards their entertainment building. The others looked at each other, Jinyoung sighed and they followed their leader to have a last dance practice before they would perform at the Olympics tomorrow.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson was totally out of breath when he could finally stop running. He shook Bambam off somewhere near the subway station, almost jumped down the stairs and rushed to one of the platforms. The luck seemed to be on his side for once. When he was just standing on the platform, a train came and he got on without looking where it was heading to. He got off at the next station, sat down on a bench and drank his now lukewarm coffee in almost one go.

As he thought back to what had happened just minutes ago, he had the urge to slap himself. This time they had definitely recognized him and understandably, they hadn't looked happy at all.

Maybe he had been a bit too obvious. Why did he even had the idea to eat breakfast near the JYPE building? Just because of his fucking “homesickness“, if you could call it that.

Yes, he thought of the JYPE building as his home. Actually, he saw their dorm as his home but he didn't feel the right to do that anymore. He didn't even know if the other six members were still living there or if they had moved to another place. Maybe they all even had their own apartment by now. He didn't even know if Got7 still existed. Sure, he had seen them just minutes ago, but maybe they were just casually hanging out as friends.

He sighed and stood up, the bag with his uneaten sandwich still in his hand. He threw his empty coffee mug in a trash can on his way out of the subway station and when he finally stood outside, he realised that he fortunately knew where he was. He decided to walk back to the hotel.

It was still early in the morning, 9am, when he opened the door to his hotel room again and sat down on the edge of the bed. His growling stomach reminded him why he went to the café in the first place and he took the sandwich out of the bag in his hand.

While he was eating, he grabbed the bag he used for his fencing clothes and equipment and started to pack just these things into it. He would just go to practice to drown out the thoughts in his head once more.

This time he took a cab to get to the training hall, just to make sure he wouldn't run into anyone he knew again. He quickly changed when he arrived at his destination and just practiced for the rest of the morning and afternoon, until it was time for him to go back to his hotel to get ready for the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It always took place an evening before the competitions would start and it consisted of performances of worldwide known singers and other acts. There was also this part were all the athletes would enter the stadion, divided into their countries, and the Olympic fire would be ignited.

An hour later, Jackson was already walking nervously up and down a corridor in the huge main stadion most of the competitions of the Olympics would take place in. He only knew a few other athletes, most of them were doing the same sport as him and he felt totally out of place.

A bit later, as he was standing in the hallway with all the other athletes and was waiting for his country's turn to walk into the stadion, the fact that he would be seen on TV all around the world in a matter of minutes did nothing to soothe his nervousness. He just hoped that he could remain undetected for one more evening until the competitions would start tomorrow and it would become unavoidable for him to show his identity.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I'm back with another chapter!  
> You may think I'm too early to post but where I live, it's technically monday already. It's currently 12am and I really need to sleep because I have school tomorrow (or today, however you would like to see it), but I really wanted to upload the next chapter. So have fun reading it!
> 
> See you next week!  
> Bye!

Jaebum was unusually grumpy throughout the rest of the day. After they had met Jackson, or who they supposed was Jackson, his mood had drastically changed and he would either stay quiet when the others would talk during breaks or he would snap at them when they would get the dance moves wrong. At the end of the day they were all in a bad mood and no one spoke during their ride back home or when they were finally eating a late dinner. They didn't even watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics and just went straight to bed.

The next morning Jaebum was his normal self again and the others were also in a better mood. They were all still abnormally quiet, but this time due to their nervousness. In a few hours they would stand in front of thousands of people in the stadion and millions of others in front of the TV all around the world. It was nervewrecking.

After a quick breakfast, they packed the things they would need for the day and piled into the van after that. Like all the other artists who would perform, they got their own dressing room where their staff already waited for them to arrive. The six of them would perform somewhere around noon but their stylists and make up noonas nevertheless already styled their hair, put their make up on and gave them the clothes they would wear later.

By the time they were all ready, some competitions were already in full swing. They followed the event on the little TV in their dressing room, they couldn't do many other things than that in the time that remained until their performance.

They knew that some international artists had had the privilege to perform the evening before during the opening ceremony and the national artists from Korea would perform during the breaks of the individual days of the Olympics, most of the groups had one performance per day.

Right now, some track and field and gymnastics were shown, before some time later the cameras switched to another hall somewhere near the big stadion where the fencing preliminaries took place. All of them immediately thought of Jackson but no one said a word about it. They just kept looking at the screen.

The competitions of the three different types of fencing – foil, sabre and épée – took place side by side in the same hall. Right now, a sabre match was about to begin. A guy from Italy was announced and the camera showed a man in his twenties. The moment the other contestant was announced, their manager opened the door to their waiting room and told them that they would perform in thirty minutes. Due to that they hadn't heard the name of the second guy but were utterly shocked when they looked back at the TV and saw a very familiar face.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The last time Jackson was this nervous had been at their debut stage years ago. He knew that he would do well and he believed in himself but it was nevertheless nervewrecking to go outside and compete in a few minutes. Mainly because he finally had to show himself and it wouldn't go unnoticed who he was. But he wasn't here for that. He was here to win the gold medal.

As he was standing in the corridor, waiting for his turn to go outside, some of the other representatives of China were making their way into the competition hall. They grinned at him while they walked past him and one of them said: „Good luck! Heard your singing association is here too.“ Jackson's eyes widened. Got7 was here? Why? Were they performing? Or were they just in the audience? All at once did his soon upcoming fencing match not matter that much anymore. He knew that his members would probably know not later than tomorrow about him participating at the Olympics, but he wasn't ready for a confrontation today already. And he knew that just that would be the outcome when they would see him on TV in a few minutes.

He took a deep breath and fixed his fencing suit for the last time, before he heard his name being announced and he had to enter the stadium. It was huge but compared to the main stadium rather small. There were a lot of people and he didn't expect that large amount. Fencing was not that popular and well-known after all.

He tried to concentrate just on his upcoming match, but that was easier said than done with all these cameras directed at him and his opponent. He had never competed in such an environment before and the large amount of people did nothing to soothe his nervousness and neither did the fact that six persons in particular were probably watching him right now. He felt slightly better as he put his fencing mask onto his head and got ready for the beginning of the fight. He was glad that the matches in the preliminaries were just about three minutes long and he had to land just five hits to win.

Jackson took one last deep breath, before he got into position and just a few moments later, the referee was giving them the signal to start.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Namjoon and the other boys from BTS had just gotten their hair and makeup done and were just about to change into the clothes they would wear at their performance later, when Jin stopped them in their tracks by pointing at the TV that hung in their waiting room.

“Look.“, he said. “That's Jackson.“

Namjoon's head whipped around and he stared up at the screen where he saw his old friend entering the hall were the fencing competitions took place. Even though the volume of the TV was turned off, Bangtan's leader didn't even need a second to figure out what was going on. Jackson was wearing a fencing suit after all and it looked like a match was about to start in a few minutes.

Namjoon grabbed the back of a chair and just kept looking at the screen, the clothes in his hand completely forgotten. He really couldn't believe it. Jackson was back. And he was competing at the Olympic games.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Just a few waiting rooms down the same hall, Monsta X were also preparing for their performance in the afternoon, when a similar scene occurred.

They were all talking animatedly to each other when Kihyun suddenly shushed them and looked at the screen on the wall. The rest of them followed his gaze and were met with Jackson's face, that just seconds later was hidden behind a fencing mask. They all needed a moment to process what was happening.

Jackson, Got7's member, who vanished from the earth's surface four years ago, was live on TV and was about to compete in a fencing match. At the Olympics. In South Korea. At this very moment.

Jooheon didn't hesitate for a moment, jumped up from his sitting position on the couch and run out of the room and down the hall, until he practically teared open the door to Got7's waiting room and was greeted by the sight of Bangtan's leader staring at the TV, together with the rest of Got7.

Namjoon had made his way to Got7's waiting room just moments after he had seen Jackson on TV and he was just barely standing in the room, his eyes immediately fixed on the screen in their friends waiting room, when the door was opened a second time and Monsta X's second youngest member burst into the room.

Jooheon simply said one word as he was standing in the doorframe, all eyes fixed on him.

“Jackson.“

And as the others just nodded in affirmation, he closed the door behind him and they watched the lost boy's fencing match in mutual silence.

It was always amazing anew when they got to see Jackson fencing. Nobody could deny that his skills were extraordinary and even so they wouldn't admit it aloud, they could absolutely understand why he was competing at the Olympics. He was definitely good enough to win the gold medal.

But all the other circumstances were not that awesome. Why did no one ever hear anything about him coming back or competing at the Olympics? Normally, that wasn't something someone could hide for that long. At least not until the day the competitions would start. How had he been able to do that? He was still well-known and even though right now he seemed to prefer a natural look without makeup and with his natural hair colour, he was of course still recognizable.

Even though they had seen Jackson fencing before, none of them had ever seen a full fencing match and they were amazed by it but also a little perplexed when it was already over after what could have only been three minutes and Jackson won with a score of 5 to 3. They expected him to react the same way that he would have reacted four years ago, overly excited and exaggerated, but he just smiled and shook his opponent's hand instead. To say they were simply suprised at his behavior would have been an understatement. It seemed like he was another person, put into Jackson's body.

They watched as he sat down on one of the benches on the side and the camera switched to another fencing match that was about to start somewhere in the same stadium. They just stood there for a moment longer and stared at the screen. It still felt like they were all having the same strange dream.

After a moment or two, Namjoon sighed and let himself fall down on one of the chairs in the room.  
“What are we going to do now?“, he asked and looked at the others, especially at Got7's members. They cluelessly looked back at him and Jaebum just stared at nothing. It seemed like he hadn't even listened in the first place. Or so they thought.

“I don't want to see him, neither talk to him.“, Jaebum suddenly said and stood up. The other five members just looked at him, knowing that they couldn't change his mind anyway.

When nobody said something, JB left the room with a quick nod to Jooheon and Namjoon. The two rappers just watched as Got7's leader left and moments later, Jinyoung spoke up.

“I know that might be surprising but I also don't want to talk to him.“, he said and it wasn't surprising at all. Jinyoung always had had a special bond with Jackson and his disappearance had left a hurting hole inside him. And all the others. They somehow all had had a special bond with him, Jackson had always been a special person after all. You couldn't not like him and if he liked you back in return, he was the most loyal and loving friend you could wish for.

“Me too.“, Bambam quietly spoke up from beside Jinyoung. “I don't want to see him.“ Also something deep inside him told him that wasn't the truth, he nevertheless said it.

Yugyeom and Youngjae just kept quiet and Mark seemed to be the only one that wasn't that averse to the thought of meeting Jackson and talking to him. But he also didn't say anything.

“Maybe Namjoon-sshi and I should talk to him first when we coincidentally see him somewhere.“, Jooheon suggested and Bangtan's leader nodded at that.  
“Yeah, I think that would be the best.“, he answered.

With that, Jooheon and Namjoon said their goodbyes and left the other five of Got7's members alone with their thoughts.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Later that day, in the afternoon, Jackson was on his way back to his waiting room after his matches were over for the day. After his first one in the morning, he had had another one in the noon, just five minutes ago, shortly before the lunch break, which he had also won.

There were still other matches in the afternoon after the break but he was done for today and would watch the rest of the competitions in his hotel room. After all, he was still anxiously awaiting an encounter with his former members and he wanted to avoid just that at any cost by leaving this place before Got7 had their performance.

His plan didn't work out in the end.

As he was just about to turn around a corner, he heard some very familiar voices a bit further down the hallway. He stopped and peeked around the corner, just to see his six old friends making their way in his direction. Jackson started to panic slightly and went into the next best room without looking if it was a waiting room of another group, a storage room or something else.

He stood still with his face turned towards the door and listened for footsteps and voices outside in the hallway, as suddenly someone cleared his throat behind him. Jackson startled slightly and turned around very slowly, just to be met with seven also very familiar faces. The boys from Bangtan Sonyeondan.

“Ehm...“, Jackson choked out and was clearly at a loss for words. “Eh- I- Ehm...“  
“Nice match.“, Namjoon just said with a small smile on his lips. “Congratulations on your win.“  
Jackson wasn't really sure to which of his two matches Namjoon referred but he didn't really care at the moment.  
“Ehm, thank you.“, he stuttered out, still overwhelmed with the fact that he was stupid enough to run straight into Bangtan's waiting room. He didn't even wait for an answer.

“Ehm, sorry, I-...!“

And even though he didn't know if his former members were still out in the hallway, he rushed out of the room nevertheless. The luck seemed to be on his side for once because the hallway was completely empty. He hurried to his waiting room and closed the door behind him, still a bit shaken up from his sudden encounter with BTS.

Namjoon meanwhile sat down on a chair with a deep sigh.  
“He didn't seem to be that keen on speaking to us.“, Hoseok spoke up beside him and Namjoon nodded at that.  
“I think he just simply doesn't know what he shall say. Maybe he is even a bit ashamed of himself for his sudden disappearance all those years ago. I know him, he wouldn't have left if he hadn't had a good reason and I think he just didn't know how to handle his problem back then, if he had one.“  
Hoseok hummed in agreement and soon enough, they all went about their own things again, Jackson still in the back of their minds.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

An hour later Jackson was laying in his bed in his hotel room, freshly showered and buried under all of his covers. He was watching some of the competitions on TV. He had missed Got7's performance and he wasn't very sad about that. Seeing them perform would only make him feel even more sad and guilty.

The boys from Bangtan Sonyeondan were up next and Jackson wasn't really sure if he wanted to see that performance either, but before he could have changed the channel, the seven of them were already on stage and their music started to play. Jackson hadn't stayed up-to-date with their career either, so the song they were performing was unknown to him. But it was still as good as their songs always had been and soon enough, he remembered the old times where he had met up with Namjoon just to chatter about unimportant things or where both of their groups had met as a whole to have fun on a day off. He wasn't sure if they still did that but he really hoped they did.

After the song ended, he turned the TV off and just enjoyed the silence for a moment. It was still early, the clock had just barely reached the 3pm mark and he didn't really know what to do with himself. He wasn't that keen on going outside a second time today, even though he was sure he wouldn't meet anyone he knew. Almost all the idol groups he was friends with were at the Olympic games.

It was only then that he realised that they all must have seen him today. That thought was a bit scary to be honest. No one knew that he was back and it must have been like a punch in the face to see him suddenly competing at the Olympics. He hadn't thought of it that way before. It must have been even worse for his former members. Even though he didn't know if they even still cared at all. Maybe they had moved on. Maybe he was just a distant memory and all he had left was a bitter taste on their tongue everytime someone mentioned his name. If he was lucky the only feelings they still had left for him were angry ones. And he would be satisfied with that, because after all, they at least had some feelings for him left. He would prefer that over them having none.

He rolled onto his side and ones again stared out of the window and into the blue sky of the afternoon. Maybe he should stand up and practice some more for the upcoming competition days, he thought, as his eyes were slowly falling shut and soon enough, he was sound asleep.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

As Jaebum was finally laying in bed on the evening of the first day of the Olympic games, he stayed awake for a little while longer to watch some videos on his phone. Not just any videos, no. He was watching the repetition of today's fencing matches and wasn't very surprised to see that Jackson had also won his second match.

The room was relatively quiet, Jaebum was using it alone after all since Jackson left. It still felt weird, even after four whole years. There still were all of Jacksons things in the room, all the clothes he hadn't took with him in the closet. Whoever went grocery shopping still bought Jackson's favourite type of instant ramen, as if it was a matter of course. As if he was still living with them. But he wasn't.

Even though he always pretended that he didn't care, Jaebum cared a lot. And he missed Jackson. Also a lot. It was just so lonely without him and the group wasn't the same. They needed him. Jaebum needed him.

He had thought that after a few months or if anything then at the most after a year or two after Jackson had left, these feelings he had for the boy from Hongkong would disappear. But they didn't. They were as strong as four years ago, if not even stronger. And if he was really honest, it was fucking scary. Jaebum had thought that he had been in love before but after he fell in love with Jackson, everything he had ever felt for someone else suddenly seemed so void. As if he had never really loved before. And the scariest thing of it all: even though he was mad as fuck at Jackson, he would welcome him back with open arms if he would decide to suddenly give up his fencing career once again to come back and be an idol again. And he knew for sure the others would too.

Jaebum sighed and rolled onto his side, his smartphone still in his hand. He stared at the screen, the video of Jackson's second match played for the third time in a row now and Jaebum wondered if Jackson had really left to pick up his fencing career again. Hadn't he always said that he was happier being an idol? Was that just a lie? Maybe he had always wanted to be a fencer again but didn't say a word because he feared to hurt the rest of them. But even if that really was his reason to leave, Jaebum nevertheless would be mad at him for disappearing without a word and not trusting them enough to understand him. Because they certainly would have understood him.

With another sigh, Jaebum turned off his smartphone and just laid there for a moment, until Mark called him because the takeout they ordered for dinner had arrived and Jaebum was glad he didn't have to think about Jackson anymore. At least for a moment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm really early, considering that the chapter should be uploaded on monday, but instead of studying, I read and answered some comments and I really couldn't wait to upload the next chapter. So here it is! I'm really excited what you think of it, so if you like, leave a comment, if you don't want to, that's okay too.  
> Thank you for your support, it really encourages me!  
> Now, enjoy the chapter and see you soon!

Jackson was dead. Or at least he felt like he was.

After he had fallen asleep in the afternoon, he had woken up again late in the evening and just couldn't fall asleep again. Now it was already morning, almost noon, and he was sitting in his dressing room, waiting for his first and only match of the day and the last one of the preliminaries.

He was a bit worried about his condition today, his lack of sleep made him feel exhausted. He wasn't used to an irregular sleeping rhythm anymore. After he had left South Korea, he had changed his lifestyle and lived a healthier life. After all there wasn't a reason anymore for him to stay awake till late in the night. He wasn't an idol anymore.

Sometimes he longed for being just that again. An idol. He missed the excitement he had felt every time they had to go on stage. He missed the adrenaline that had flown through his veins when they were dancing and singing and just having fun. Hell, he even missed the late night vocal lessons, the recording sessions and the strenuous dance practices. He missed the feeling of sore muscles after a particulary hard practice and the scratching in his throat after a long vocal lesson. But what he missed the most was their fans and of course the other members.

He sighed and got up to get ready for his upcoming match. While he put on his fencing suit and checked his fencing sword, he thought about the possible chance to meet somebody he knew today. Apparently the chances were very high. After his unintended almost-meeting with his former members yesterday and his subsequent meeting with BTS, Jackson could only assume that his waiting room was somewhere in the vicinity of those of the two famous idol groups.

As he zipped up his suit completely, he noticed that he forgot to wear his necklace today, the triangle one that the seven of them had and that resulted in the official Got7 logo if you pieced them together. He still wore it, mostly underneath his clothes. There was rarely a day where he hadn't worn it and he felt slightly uneasy without it. It was his good luck charm.

He wondered if the others still wore their necklaces too or if they had abandoned theirs. Maybe they even got new ones made, just for the six of them. He would understand that, though it would nevertheless make him sort of sad and a bit disappointed.

Another sigh escaped his lips as he grabbed his helmet. Just then someone from the staff opened the door and told him his match would be starting in ten minutes and he had to get ready and come outside. He did just that and with a last look at the screen on the wall, where they were just announcing Got7's performance in a few hours, Jackson left the room.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The six of them would never admit it but they were of course interested in how Jackson was doing in his matches. Somehow they always had been fascinated every time they had seen Jackson fencing. They always had been in disbelief how they had been this lucky to have someone like Jackson in their team. Someone who could have easily become one of the best athletes in the world but chose to abandon the Olympics in 2012 and thus his career as a fencer.

Jackson had always said he was happier being an idol than being a fencer. They had always wondered why. His life could have been so much easier. Sure, as a fencer he had to practice hard too but he could have had the guarantee that he at least would win a few prices if he would make an effort. But as a trainee, no one could guarantee that everyone would eventually debut. That wasn't possible after all and not everybody had the talent and the willpower to make it in the industry.

So that was just one reason more why they couldn't understand Jackson. He wanted to be an idol so much that he even abandoned his career as a fencer only to abandon his idol life a few years later and continue on as fencer again. Did he really dislike his life with the six of them so much that he threw away the dream he had fought so much for?

Maybe because of that and because they got free tickets for the Olympics when they got the invitation to perform, the six of them were currently sitting between hundreds of other spectators and were waiting for Jackson's match to begin. There were still a few hours till they needed to be on stage and they wanted to use their time to watch their former member. Of course without being recognized. Even though the masks and caps they were wearing made them even more suspicious, no one around them seemed to notice. Fencing wasn't really the kind of sport young people liked to watch.

Just a few minutes after they had sat down, the commentator announced Jackson's name, then the one from his opponent and both athletes entered the hall. Jackson wore a smile on his face and waved at some of the spectators. He didn't notice his former bandmates and put on his helmet. After the two fencers had greeted each other and both had checked their suits and fencing swords for the last time, the match started.

It was just as short as the one they had seen the day before in their waiting room. Apparently that's how short they were. At least in the preliminaries. But it was nevertheless impressive. Their quick movements and their reflexes were amazing and if there wouldn't have been a referee and a scoreboard, no one in the audience would have been able to see who just got the next point. It was incredible.

Jaebum couldn't take his eyes off of Jackson, even if he had wanted to. Jackson seemed to be another person everytime he put on his fencing suit. He had this intimidating aura around him, it was fascinating. It made his hard beat faster, even though it already hammered in his chest since Jackson had entered the hall. He had the urge to jump up and rejoice as the Chinese boy finally won his match and had this big, happy grin on his face as he took off his helmet.

Jackson was the most beautiful when he was happy. That was Jaebum's opinion. He of course thought that the boy from Hongkong was always breathtaking but he was sure that one of Jackson's genuine smiles would someday kill him. The fact that just this moment, the boy from Hongkong pushed his hair back with one hand, as he adjusted his helmet and his sabre in the other, didn't do a thing to make Jaebum's heart beat any slower.

Only when Jackson finally left the hall, Jaebum's heart calmed down a little bit and the six of them stood up to get ready for their upcoming performance.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson knew the moment he turned around the corner and saw some of his “teammates“ standing in the hall, talking to each other, that he couldn't go past them without them saying something to him. And of course he was right.

Jackson just wanted to ignore the little group but of course they were having none of that. The same guy as usual, the one that always had something to say to him, waited until Jackson was almost past them.

“Nice match.“, he commented but it wasn't supposed to be a compliment. Jackson walked a few steps further down the hallway. “Your little singing association was there too. Are they your fan club now?“  
That made him stop in his tracks but he didn't turn around to look at his so called “teammates“. They weren't a team. They weren't even friends.  
“What? Didn't see them? They were in the audience. At least they didn't sing you a winning serenade. That shit from yesterday was awful enough.“

Normally, Jackson really loved peace and a friendly handling even though he didn't like these guys one bit. But that statement triggered something inside him.

“What did you say?“, Jackson said and finally turned around, an angry look on his face.  
“I said“, the guy repeated with a grin, “that they are shit.“  
Jackson's scowl increased and he took a few steps towards the guys, who were still just grinning at him. He really had the urge to punch them but he resisted for now. Violence wouldn't solve this.  
“Say that again.“, Jackson warned but the guys didn't seem to notice how angry he really was.  
“I said“, one step forward, “they are a worthless“, a second step, “untalented“, another step, “and meaningless“, a fourth step that put him right in front of Jackson, “singing association that doesn't have the right to call themselves anything near “musicians“. They will never make it.“

Jackson didn't remember if he ever had been this angry in his life before. At this point, he didn't care about anything. Not about his career or what would happen to him or that he was at the Olympics right now. He just had the urge to punch the guy in the face and he would have really done just that if he didn't suddenly feel a hand on his chest as he was about to take a step forward.

“Any problems?“, the owner of the hand said and Jackson didn't even need to guess who the owner of it was, he would recognize that voice among thousands. He turned his head to the side and was met with Jaebum's always handsome face that was focused on the guys in front of him. They seemed to be embarrassed all of a sudden and all of their previous self-confidence was suddenly gone.  
“No?“, Jaebum continued as they didn't answer him. “Then I think you should leave now.“  
Behind Jaebum's head, Jackson could see the remaining five of his former members in a distance, looking at them. He quickly looked away again.

After a moment or two and a very meaningful look from Jaebum, the guys left without another word and the hand on Jackson's chest disappeared again. He once again looked at his former member and was met with a very pointed look, that nevertheless made his heartrate speed up. Jaebum then turned around without having said at least one word to him the entire time and walked over to the remaining five. A few seconds later, they disappeared around the next corner and left behind a very perplexed Jackson.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The six of them had just left the audiences ranks and were heading to their waiting room when they saw a very familiar figure at the end of the corridor.

Jackson was just going past some guys when they said something to him in Chinese that the six of them, besides Mark, didn't understand. They stopped and followed the scene in front of them. Mark voluntary translated what was going on.

“They seem to know us and our relationship to Jackson.“, the oldest said and they watched as Jackson tried to ignore the guys but stopped in his tracks when one of them said something in particular.  
“He told him that we were in the audience during the match just now.“, Mark translated. The guy continued to talk and they watched as he said something that seemingly made Jackson angry. He turned around to look at the guys and said something.  
“The guy said our performance yesterday was awful.“, Mark continued. “Jackson is angry about that.“

Even though they would never admit it, they had to surpress a smile. Jackson still cared about them. A lot as it seemed because when the guy answered with a shit eating grin, Jackson looked ready to punch him.

“He said we are shit.“, the oldest said and frowned. Jackson looked really angry now and they watched as the guy took a few steps towards him, saying something in the meanwhile, until he was standing right in front of Jackson.

“According to him, we are a worthless, untalented and meaningless singing association, who doesn't have the right to call themselves musicians or idols and who will never make it.“, Mark translated.  
“If Jackson will not punch him“, Bambam said with an angry frown, “I will.“  
“No one is going to punch anybody.“, Jinyoung said and just in that moment, Jaebum started moving beside them.

Without saying anything, he walked over to Jackson and these guys and held Jackson, who was just about to take a step forward, back with a hand on his chest.  
“Any problems?“, they heard Jaebum asking and they were pretty sure that even though the guys probably didn't know Korean, they somehow understood him nevertheless. They seemed to get embarassed and their self-confidence from before seemingly disappeared all at once.

“No?“, Jaebum carried on as they didn't answer. “Then I think you should leave now.“  
Now it was clear that they didn't understand him, they just stared at him, but his meaningful stare seemed to make the message clear. Meanwhile, Jackson looked over to the remaining five and Youngjae had to surpress an encouraging smile. As soon as he saw them staring back, he turned away again.

Another moment passed until the guys finally left without saying another word. Jaebum just sent Jackson a last pointed look, before he went back to the others, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

Only when they were finally inside their waiting room a few minutes later, Jaebum realized what had just happened.

They had met Jackson. He had defended them and had almost punched a guy. Jaebum had held him back and had even managed to scare the guys away, even though they hadn't understood him. And he had touched Jackson.

That sounded somewhat creepy but as he had absentmindedly put a hand on Jackson's chest, it had immediately felt like it was on fire. Not unpleasantly though, more of the opposite. He had felt a familiar warmth spread throughout his whole body. It was pleasant but at the same time he wanted to pull his hand away. He had feared he would have a heart attack from how quickly his heart had been beating.

And right in that moment, Jaebum realized that he really, really, really wanted nothing else than to just be able _talk_ to Jackson again. He just wanted to hear him speak, hear him laugh, just see him be himself. Because from what Jaebum had seen in the last couple of days, Jackson wasn't really behaving like himself.

He had seen Jackson's real self, thousands of times. Not the self he put up in front of their fans or when he was on a variety show. Sure, that was his self too but Jaebum meant his _real_ self. He meant the sides Jackson had only shown them, no one else. The stories only they knew, the tears only they had seen and the laughs only they had heard. He wanted to see Jackson's absolutely carefree self, that he only showed when he felt comfortable enough with someone. Not many had seen him like that, only a few had had the privilege. And he, together with the other five, had been one of those lucky ones.

Even as Jaebum had recovered somehow from the almost-heart attack earlier, he still thought of Jackson. Even when one of the stylists put make up on his face and styled his hair, even when he changed into his stage outfit, all he could think of was Jackson. And that wouldn't have disturbed him that much if it wasn't so distracting.

So even as they were on their way to the stage a while later, even as they got into position and there were just seconds before they would perform, Jackson was still on Jaebum's mind. Only during their performance did he have a momentarily break from thinking. But right after they got off the stage, Jackson was there in his thoughts again. He felt like he was going crazy.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson was curious, to say that at least. Curious and maybe a bit sentimental because of his encounter with his former members a while ago. It had been four whole years since he had seen the six of them perform on a stage and he missed their voices. He just wanted to hear one song. Just one song, that would be enough.

So after he got changed again after his match, he made his way towards the audiences ranks. Got7 would perform in a few minutes and even though he would probably cry, he wanted to see them.

He could still remember the very first times he had heard them singing.

He had been a new trainee, could barely speak Korean and hadn't known anybody yet. One day, on his way to a vocal practice, he heard some voices in one of the practice rooms. As he looked through the small window in the door, he saw Jinyoung and Jaebum, singing some song he didn't know. He stopped for a moment and just listened.

The way their voices harmonized and just their ability to sing like that did something to him. He never told them that he had made a promise to himself that day. That he would work harder than anybody else to achieve his dreams and maybe someday be able to perform like them.

Then he met Mark and Bambam and almost immediately befriended them. He suddenly felt understood because he wasn't the only foreign one anymore.

When he heard them rap for the first time, he felt the same thing he had felt before. On that day, he promised himself the same thing as before a second time. He would achieve his dreams and he would do anything for that. He just felt so honored to be able to work with such incredible people that he wanted to be incredible too.

Then there was Yugyeom. Cute, little, shy Yugyeom. His voice was still in progress that time but you could still already hear that he would have some great capabilities later on. And the way he could dance. Jackson was envious. But that spured him on even more. He had to keep up with them if he wanted to be like them, if he wanted to perform _with_ them.

To be honest, the first time he really doubted his abilities was when Youngjae showed up.

At first he even thought that it was unfair for Youngjae to get a place in their group, him being the last one to become a trainee and having such a short training period and all. But that sort of thinking quickly disappeared as he heard the ball of sunshine sing for the first time. And if he thought that Jaebum and Jinyoung were already gifted with an amazing voice, than Youngjae must have gotten his from a higher force because his voice was absolutely incredible.

And he doubted himself because he was never going to be able to sing like that with his average skills.

But because he was already going to be a rapper in their group anyway and because he liked rapping better anyway, he settled with that and promised himself one last time that he would do anything to be able to perform with his new found members in one group.

After that, he never promised himself that ever again. Because he didn't have to. Because his members became family and they reassured him day by day that he was worth it, that they were lucky to have him in their group, even though Jackson still thought he was the luckier one here.

But now, when the lights faded out, the spotlights focused on the six of them in the center of the stage and Jackson heard them singing for the first time in four years, his promise from before came back to his mind.

And even though he didn't have a reason to anymore, he once again made the exact same promise to himself. That he would do his best to live up to their expectations, even though he didn't know if they still expected anything from him at all after all these years.

And at that moment, another thought hit him.

Maybe after all he wasn't participating at the Olympics to just accomplish one of _his_ dreams but because he did it for _them_ too. Because he wanted them to know that he was still keeping up with them, that he wouldn't let them down, even though he had already done that before.

In the end, Jackson stayed for the whole performance. They were performing “only“ two shortened songs anyway. They reminded him a bit of the title song of the last comeback he had participated in before he had left Korea. “You are“ and their mini album “7for7“ would forever be one of his favourite comebacks and he was glad that he had participated in that. Even though just a few weeks later, he had betrayed that concept completely and had let the other six down.

And he was sorry for that, so sorry, but as he saw them performing, he couldn't help but imagine himself standing next to them. It made him smile but at the same time brought tears to his eyes. There wasn't a possible chance for him to stand next to them on the same stage ever again. That wouldn't happen, definitely not now and certainly not in the future. They lived in different worlds now, almost different dimensions. There wasn't anything for him in Korea anymore and there wouldn't ever be anything again. He had had his chance.

With the last note of the second song, Jackson went back to his waiting room to grab his things and leave. He wasn't up for a second meeting with his former members today.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> I'm sorry, I'm late today. But I'm still on time, it's 5:26pm on Monday where I live.  
> I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, but even though I read it a few times, I don't know what to change, so I'm uploading it anyways.
> 
> I wish you all Merry Christmas!  
> I will upload one more chapter before the end of the year, so see you then!  
> Bye!

The next day, Jackson felt it right after he woke up. That something was going to be different from today on. The “real“ competitions would start today. Not that the preliminaries weren't real competitions but the round of the last sixteen was different. More serious, more difficult. And the procedure of the matches was going to be different too.

Before, a match in the preliminaries would last three minutes at most and the one who made five points first was the winner. As of the round of the last sixteen, matches would last three times three minutes at most and the fencers had to make a total of fifteen points.

In addition to that, only the sixteen best fencers in the world were left. Everyone was going to be a strong opponent from this point on. That his thoughts were only wandering around his six former members wasn't helpful at all.

But he couldn't just turn off his thoughts, therefore he had to live with them.

It wasn't as if he was thinking about them on purpose, they just came back to his mind all the time. Especially yesterday's events kept bothering him. He hadn't imagined his first meeting with them after four years to turn out like that.

He could still feel Jaebum's hand on his chest. It had been so warm, he had almost flinched at the sudden contact. Jaebum of all people also wasn't the one he had expected to intervene. He had expected no one to intervene and he would have really punched that guy and would have probably killed his career with that.

He was glad that Jaebum had stopped him but he still felt the anger pumping through his veins every time he thought of his so called “teammates“. He just wanted them to leave him, and especially his six old friends, alone.

He didn't even know why they hated him that much. He hadn't done anything to make them upset or something like that. In fact, he hadn't even known them until he had started fencing again. And to be honest, that he hadn't known them was probably because they weren't that great. Sure, they were good enough to compete at the Olympics, that meant something, but not once were they able to beat Jackson in a practice match. Jealousy was probably the main reason why they were so cruel to him.

He didn't care if they insulted him, he could handle that. It wasn't like he took something they said seriously anyway. But everytime they started to also insult his six former members, he got furious. It was one thing to insult him but he wasn't going to let anybody insult the six of them.

Somehow it had always been like that. He had taken and always will take the bullet for them. It just felt right that way. He really didn't care what people thought about him as long as the other six were put into the right light. They deserved the world in his opinion.

They had tried to convince him numerous of times to just let it be. They wanted to protect him too. But he hadn't let them. Because he was absolutely stubborn and didn't feel like he needed to be protected. He had been fine. Most of the time.

Sure, there were times when everything was too much. But in these moments, just being around the other six helped him calm down. Their presence alone was enough.

Now after four years, he almost felt the opposite. Just seeing them from afar was stressful because he constantly feared they would see him too, say something to him or just look at him for a moment.

And because of that, he was happy that he later that day, on his way down the hallway to his waiting room, overheard some people of the staff talking about today's performances of idols. Got7's performance was in the noon as usual as it seemed and Jackson sighed in relief. He could move around relatively normal today, his match was only in the afternoon and his former members would be long gone by that time. He at least hoped they would.

For a change, Jackson was nervous about his match today. He had confidence in his skills but everything he had achieved by now could be blown away by just one mistake. It was helping a little bit that he knew his former members certainly wouldn't be in the audience like yesterday.

God, fortunately he hadn't seen them. That would have been a catastrophe. He was sure he would have lost that match then.

With the knowledge that the worst that could happen was that he would meet another idol group he once had been friends with, like BTS or Monsta X, he felt relatively relaxed. He was gradually getting used to the fact that he couldn't always avoid a meeting with people he once knew and he had accepted that. Even though he still wasn't quite sure what to say or how to act in one of those moments.

But fortunately he didn't meet any people till his match a few hours later. That was probably because of the fact that he didn't left his waiting room once since he had arrived there.

So as he was walking down the hallway towards his upcoming match, his fencing mask in one hand and his sword in the other, he saw his seven old friends from Monsta X at the other end of the hallway just entering a room, presumably their waiting room. They wouldn't have seen him if his mask hadn't suddenly slipped out of his hand and fell to the ground. They turned around to see what had made the sudden noise and were surprised to see Jackson standing in the middle of the hallway, picking up his mask. Their eyes met when he looked up again and for a moment he seemed shocked. Then he just stood there, staring at them and they were staring right back. They didn't look away until someone, presumably their manager or someone from the staff, said something to them and they all went inside the room. All but Jooheon. He stood there for a moment longer, just staring at Jackson. Then he suddenly smiled and even waved briefly, before he also entered the room and closed the door behind him.

For a moment Jackson just stared perplexed at the point where just moments ago still stood Jooheon. He hadn't expected anything from them, especially not that Jooheon would even smile at him.

With a smile on his face now as well, Jackson continued to walk towards the hall where his match would take place.

As his name was being announced a while later and he entered the hall, he immediately felt this burning gaze at the back of his head and he let his eyes wander over the audience but didn't find it's source. He tried to fade it out and that somehow worked.

He was fully focused on his opponent from the moment the referee gave them the permission to start. His opponent was a tough one and he wasn't fully used to matches this long anymore.

But in the end he won nevertheless. Though barely, but he did win.

As he was walking out of the hall after he won his match, he suddenly saw him, standing in the midst of the audience, looking down and straight at him.

Jaebum.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jaebum wondered why they hadn't even caught a glimpse of Jackson today until he found out that his former member's match was in the afternoon.

After their performance in the noon, they went back to their dorm, wanting to use their free afternoon to relax and laze around. But somehow Jaebum couldn't relax, his thoughts again wandering around Jackson.

With the reason that he wanted to catch some fresh air, he informed his members that he would be out for a few hours. He didn't tell them that he was going back to the Olympics to watch Jackson's match.

It was probably a bad decision. What if Jackson saw him? Or even worse, what if the press saw him? Though yesterday they hadn't cared about that either but today he was alone and there wasn't someone with him that could convince him that this was actually a good idea.

So he tried to convince himself but that didn't work out very well so he just tried to tune out all of the thoughts and reasons that tried to tell him that this wasn't a good idea and once he was sitting in the audience, there was no going back. He arrived kind of late there and he had just sat down as the fencer's names were being announced.

Jackson came outside and Jaebum could immediately feel that he was nervous. For other people he probably looked fine and composed but Jaebum had seen him nervous plenty of times before and he knew his gestures and facial expressions that showed that he was actually pretty nervous.

But nevertheless, Jackson did very well, as far as Jaebum could see, and about fifteen minutes later, he won and officially made it to the quarterfinals.

Jaebum was about to jump out of his seat and rejoice but in the last moment he remembered that he wouldn't want to risk revealing himself. So he just stood up with the rest of the audience and applauded, his gaze never leaving Jackson.

After the two opponents shook hands and left in different directions, Jackson suddenly looked up to the audiences ranks and spotted Jaebum in the midst of the other spectators.

They locked eyes for a long moment and Jaebum felt like his heart had stopped. But he couldn't look away. He just continued to stare at Jackson, until the latter turned away again and left the hall with an indescribable expression and Jaebum sat down again.

He remained seated until the next match was being unannounced and he left while questioning himself why he even came here in the first place. It had been a bad idea.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Just when Jackson thought he would have a day without seeing any of his former members, Jaebum had shown up. Alone. Why?

When they had met yesterday, Jaebum hadn't seemed so happy to see him, even though he had stepped up for him. That had probably been an act out of pity, not kindness or leftover sympathy.

Jackson's heart had missed a beat the moment they had locked eyes. Jaebum seemed to look straight into his soul with that stare and Jackson just couldn't withstand it so he had looked away and left the stadion as quickly as possible.

As soon as he was in the hallway again, he leaned on the next best wall to calm down his wildly beating heart. Even as he had still been with them four years ago, Jaebum hadn't looked at him that intensly ever before. He could still feel his stare on his face.

He just stood there for a few minutes until he suddenly heard voices coming towards him and he quickly stood upright again and pretended to just normally walk down the hallway.

Two young boys, probably only eighteen or nineteen, walked around the corner and came towards him. They quickly bowed and greeted him when they were passing him. Jackson assumed that they were from an idol group that debuted after he had left and they seemed to somehow still know him from his time as an idol.

He went to his waiting room without meeting anyone else and quickly changed into the clothes he came here with, so that he could quickly leave and bury himself under the sheets of his hotel bed.

After he had also packed up his fencing equipment, he grabbed his jacket and his bag and left the room to leave the stadion. He stopped at a toilet on his way to the exit to wash his face and let some cold water run over his head.

Just as he opened the door again and ran a hand threw his now wet hair, some familiar faces went past him and stopped as they realized who was standing just right in front of them.

Monsta X.

For a moment they all just stared at each other until Jooheon broke into a smile and gave Jackson a quick hug.

“Good to have you back.“, he said and the other boys were now smiling too.

Jackson just smiled back. “Yeah, thanks.“

He didn't really know what to say, something that would have never happened four years ago, but luckily Jooheon seemed to notice that their undivided attention made him a bit uncomfortable.

“How about a coffee to catch up on old times?“, he asked and Jackson was a bit taken by surprise.

But he said yes nevertheless and agreed to meet them outside of the building in half an hour. They were just coming from their performance and were on their way to their waiting room to change and take off their makeup when they had met him.

So Jackson leisurely strolled to the exit and sat down on a bench in front of the building and just stared at nothing, his equipment laying next to him long forgotten.

He didn't notice how quickly the time flew by and suddenly Jooheon stood in front of him again, waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. Startled and confused, Jackson looked up.

“I called your name like three times.“, Jooheon grinned.  
“Sorry, I was in thought.“, Jackson sheepishly replied and grinned back. “Where are the others?“  
“They decided to go home.“

Jackson didn't pry further, just gathered his things and stood up to catch up with Jooheon, who already walked a few steps ahead.

“Don't you wear a mask or something? People must still recognize you.“, Jooheon broke the silence they walked in for a few moments. Jackson looked at his friend and just then noticed that the rapper wore a mask.  
“I usually do. Even though I don't get recognized these days. I didn't go out that much the last few years.“

Suddenly feeling uncomfortable without a mask, Jackson put on the hood of his jacket. Beside him, he could see Jooheon fidgeting nervously with the hem of his sweatshirt.

“So... What have you been up to?“, he asked after a few moments of debating if he should wether wait for them to arrive at the café to ask or just dive right in.

Jackson was expecting these kind of questions, he would ask them too if he were in Jooheon's position. But to know they would come didn't mean that he was more prepared for them.

“Most of the time I just did fencing.“, he simply answered and hoped that Jooheon was satisfied with that.

He saw him nodding out of the corner of his eye and they walked the rest of the way in a somewhat awkward silence.

While Jackson just didn't know how to behave and what to talk about, Jooheon was bumped out by the fact that Jackson was so quiet and seemed not like himself at all.

He wondered if Jackson's true self was like this or if he just became quieter and more reserved over the years. Or maybe he just didn't know what to say.

Once they were at the café Jooheon lead them to, they sat down at a table a bit further away from the entrance. Jooheon decided that he would just ask straightforward what he wanted to know the most over the last four years.

“So... Where have you been all this time?“

Jooheon didn't care about the reason why Jackson disappeared so suddenly. He could live without a reason. But he really wanted to know where his friend had been all this time and why they couldn't get a hold of him.

Jackson seemed surprised for a moment. He averted Jooheon's eyes and settled to look at the pot of flowers standing in the middle of the table.

“I was in Hongkong.“

Jooheon looked at him surprised.

“But we tried to reach you there. Nobody knew where you were.“

“I know. I made sure that you couldn't find me. I told everybody who knew me that they shouldn't tell you a thing about me. Apparently nobody accidentally spilled something.“

Besides Jooheon's earlier surprise, another feeling settled in. Disappointment, maybe even a little bit of hurt. Jackson tried so desperately to cut off every contact to his friends and life in Korea and Jooheon suddenly felt like Jackson maybe was just talking to him at the moment because he thought he had to.

Maybe his expression gave him away because Jackson suddenly seemed to be a little bit panicked and tried to explain himself.

“Oh, no, no, no. It wasn't your fault.“, he said quickly and waved his hands in front of him. “It wasn't anyone's fault. There were some things I couldn't live with anymore and I had to distant myself from them. Looking back, I absolutely wouldn't do it again. I would have just lived with them somehow, even though I was hurting. Running away wasn't something that helped me or anybody else and I regret it deeply.“

He looked away from Jooheon and the latter thought he might even saw some tears gathering in his eyes. Anybody could see that Jackson was absolutely serious about what he had said and Jooheon believed him.

“Hey, it's okay.“, Jooheon said and gave Jackson a small smile. “I'm not judging you. We were just hurt because we thought that we did something that made you leave or that you just couldn't stand us and your life as an idol anymore.“

Jackson just looked at his old friend and for a moment they both didn't say a thing. Then Jooheon carefully asked further.

“Ehm... Do you want to tell me what the things were you couldn't live with anymore?“ He nervously looked at Jackson and kneaded his hands. “It's fine if you don't want to!“

Jackson just gave him a somewhat sad smile and averted his gaze once more.

“No, it's okay. It's just... I feel kind of stupid for it.“ He nervously laughed a little. “I, ehm, fell in love with someone I couldn't ever possibly be with and I saw that person every single day. It hurt. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I just left.“ He laughed a second time and awkwardly cratched his neck.

Jooheon just smiled at him. He had expected any other reason but not that Jackson had just simply fallen in love with someone. Well, it maybe wasn't that simple. He had been an idol at that time and some companies had really strict dating rules. Jooheon didn't know if JYPE had some of these but even if there weren't any, dating someone when you were an idol was almost impossible. Packed schedules and your almost nonexistent private life were to blame for that.

“It's not stupid.“, Jooheon said and Jackson looked up again. “You can't chose to fall in love with someone and I'm sorry that it turned out this way. Why didn't you talk to anybody about it?“

“I couldn't. It's hard to explain and I can't explain it right now but I just couldn't talk to someone. And confessing my feelings to the person I liked just wasn't and isn't an option.“

“Isn't?“, Jooheon repeated and he almost smirked at the face Jackson made at that. “Do you still like them?“

A faint blush settled on Jackson's cheeks and he scratched his neck in embarassment.

“Yes... I think.“

“You think?“

“I haven't really thought about it the last few years. I tried to suppress my feelings and I haven't really talked to that person again since I'm back. Hadn't had the time. And the courage.“

Jooheon smiled again. He hadn't seen Jackson like this ever before and he was caught a bit of guard by it. He didn't know what to say. Encouraging Jackson to talk to the person he liked and maybe even confess his feelings didn't seem right. So he just reached across the small table and put his hand on Jackson's arm for a moment.

“Everything's gonna be alright.“, he said and immediately felt stupid because what he said felt kind of stereotypical. But Jackson didn't seem to mind, he just smiled at Jooheon thankfully.

A moment of silence ensued, then Jooheon broke into a grin.

“So... The Olympics, hm?“

Jackson just laughed and threw his head back at his friend's sudden change of the topic. He then started to talk animatedly about it and Jooheon again just smiled. This was the Jackson he remembered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> I'm back with the last upload for the year 2018! I hope you all have a wonderful New Years Eve and I wish you all the best for 2019!  
> I'm really ready for this year to be over, even though I really don't look forward to the first half of 2019. I will graduate next year and I'm really ready to start university but first I have to write some important exams and I really don't want to do that.  
> But anyways, I hope you will enjoy this chapter! Half of the story is already up but the really major things will happen in the second half of the story, so stay tuned!  
> Also, thank you for your endless support on this story! I really didn't think that so many people would like the stuff I write. But thank you!  
> Until next year!

Jackson loved the excitement he felt and the adrenaline that was pumping through his veins moments before a match, almost just as much as the feeling he had before a performance.

But it wasn't the same.

A match, especially in a tournament like the Olympics, could decide about everything, sometimes even about your career, whereas a performance was fun to Jackson. Sure, hard work too, but mostly fun.

But he nevertheless liked the way he felt as he stepped out into the stadion and saw the opponent he was about to face in a few minutes in the quarterfinals, walking out of the opposite entrance.

He had did his research beforehand. This wasn't going to be an easy win. But he was sure he could do it.

His conversation with Jooheon had been very helpful.

After the serious talk had been over, they had talked about the Olympics, how Jackson got to be here and it had over all felt like “the good old times“. He had been feeling like himself again. He could let his guards down without being judged and it had felt so wonderful.

It still wasn't the same as with the other guys from Got7 but it had been close. Jooheon was a great friend.

So right now, he somehow was less nervous than normally, even though he knew that his next match was going to be a hard one. But nevertheless, he somehow was relatively relaxed. He felt ready.

The passion he had felt for fencing that one time it decided about wether he could go to Korea to pursue his dream of becoming an idol or not, he felt it again today.

He had always loved fencing and he had always been passionate but he had grown up with it. As he got older, there always had been this feeling of wanting to try new things. Things he didn't know how to do, things he would have to teach himself. And that was why he wanted to become an idol. Because no one in his family and no one that he knew had any idea on how to pursue and achieve that dream and that had ignited the passion for music inside him.

But right now he felt that same kind of passion. The passion for something he once gave up for another, more important dream of his. And after he had given that up too, this right now was the only thing that had stayed. Somehow fencing always had been the only constant thing in his life, the only thing he knew everything about, the only thing he didn't need to be scared of.

And so he wasn't scared.

He wasn't scared he could do something wrong, he wasn't scared of losing. He just felt excited that he could be one step closer to achieving a dream he had abandoned the moment he came to Korea all those years ago. Because his dream and wish to become an idol had been bigger.

As Jackson put on his mask a few moments before the match would start, all he could think of was just that dream. He was so close to achieving it and he wouldn't back down. Not after all the other things he had given up for this.

So as the referee gave the start signal, Jackson was as determined as never before in any other match. He would give his best and he would win this. He could do it, he was sure about that.

Even though he couldn't possibly know or see it because there were way to many people in the small stadion right now, he knew that there wasn't one of his former members in the audience today. He could feel it. There wasn't a lingering gaze on the back of his head or the feeling of being stared at.

Before, it had relaxed him when one of his members (preferably Jaebum) was somewhere near him but right now it relaxed him to know that they weren't there. Even though they probably saw him on TV right now.

He tried to blend those thoughts out and focus on his opponent, who was starting his first attack in just that moment. Jackson dodged it and took a step back. He had to admit that this really wasn't going to be as easy as other matches he had before.

They went back and forth, scoring point after point but never getting ahead of each other. The set time was soon to be over and the score board showed a score of 14 to 14.

With thirty seconds time left and his last chance to make the winning point, Jackson started a last attack. His opponent didn't expect the sudden, quick movement and tried to dodge Jackson's hit at the last moment. But to no avail. Jackson's sabre hit and the referee showed that his point was valid.

From that moment on, everything started to move in slow motion. Jackson knew that he still hadn't won the gold medal but he had moved one big step closer to it.

With out really wanting to, he made a fist and let a small cry of relief and happiness escape his mouth. The memory of a feeling he once had felt every time he won a match and that somehow disappeared over time, suddenly came back and he wondered why he even forgot it in the first place.

He felt giddy and relieved and just so happy, it was almost as if he had already won the final. It was ridiculous but he loved this feeling.

He couldn't help but smile, even as he and his opponent shook hands and went on their own way again. He just grinned like an idiot the whole time.

People were passing him by in the hallway but he didn't even notice them. He just grinned at the floor like a maniac. Everyone who saw him like this must have thought he was crazy. But he couldn't care less.

In his head he was already making a plan on how to celebrate his win this evening. He didn't have much possibilities but because he wasn't planning to go somewhere outside anyway, he decided to order some delicious food from the room service and watch his favourite movie.

Lost in thought, he didn't notice as suddenly a door right beside him opened and he ran into another person.

He looked up and was about to apologise when he recognized the person standing in front of him: Min Yoongi aka Suga aka Rapper of BTS.

Yoongi was as startled as Jackson for a moment, until he recognized the boy from Hongkong and one of his gummy smiles spread over his face.

“Jackson-ah!“, he said loudly, though as if he wanted everyone to hear who he was talking to. “Nice match, congratulations!“

The grin Jackson had lost for a moment made its way back onto his face.

“Thanks hyung.“, he said and just in that moment, the door behind Yoongi opened again. This time it was Namjoon, having presumably heard the conversation and wanting a chance to speak to his old friend.

“Jackson!“, Namjoon said with a huge smile. “Nice to see you!“

“Why don't you come inside for a moment?“, Yoongi asked, didn't give Jackson even a chance to decline and practically forced him inside with a gentle hit onto his back that made him stumble a step forward and into the still opened door.

“I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll just go to the bathroom real' quick.“, Yoongi said, more to his leader than to Jackson and with that, Bangtan's second oldest member left and Jackson walked a few steps further into the room. Namjoon closed the door behind them and suddenly Jackson became very aware of the fact that almost all the eyes in the room were now fixed on him.

While the stylists and make-up artists looked kind of uncertain what to do with the new but well-known person in the room, the rest of Bangtan's members just smiled at Jackson and greeted him. It confused him a bit that they weren't as repellent as he thought they would be. To be honest, they acted like he hadn't disappeared for four whole years and suddenly resurfaced to compete at the Olympics without any of them knowing. They greeted him like an old friend that had been on a long vacation and finally came back home. It was nice and it had Jackson smiling.

The stylists and make-up artists, just being finished with packing up their things as Jackson appeared, quickly left the room, knowing that this wasn't a conversation for them to hear.

Jackson sat down on a small couch standing in the back of the room after Namjoon told him he should sit down anywhere he liked. The others soon followed him and they sat in silence for a short moment.

“I really liked your match today.“, Namjoon then said and smiled at the memory of seeing Jackson's joy after he had won. In that moment he had seemed liked himself again, like the Jackson he had been before he had left.

“You were really cool, hyung!“, Jimin said before Jackson even had the chance to thank Namjoon and smiled at the younger boy.

“Thank you.“, he said to both Jimin and Namjoon with a genuine smile.

Silence took over for a second time. Jackson didn't know what to do with himself and Namjoon wasn't sure he could ask the questions he would like to ask in front of everyone.

Luckily, just in that moment, Yoongi came back.

He sensed the awkward mood the moment he opened the door and even though he usually wasn't that much of a talker, he tried to say something.

“What's up guys, why aren't you talking?“

He walked over to them and stopped besides the couch on which Jackson was sitting. Even though Jackson was still smiling, Yoongi could practically feel his uncomfortableness.

“Guys, let's go.“, he said after another silent moment. “We should bring our things to the van before Sejin-hyung gets impatient again. We have to leave soon.“

Knowing their second oldest member all too well, they got what he was trying to do. He wanted to give Jackson and Namjoon a moment alone. Jackson would probably be more comfortable with just talking to Namjoon right now. Even though they all were friends, the boy from Hongkong and Bangtan's leader had been close from the beginning.

They almost immediately got up to grab their things, saying their goodbyes to Jackson on the way out. A few minutes later it was only Namjoon and Jackson in the room and the latter felt way more comfortable than before.

“It's really good to have you back.“, Namjoon smiled and patted Jackson's shoulder. “But why didn't you let anybody know that you will come back? We were very suprised to see you suddenly here and then also as an athlete.“

Jackson didn't meet his friends eyes and fiddled with the fencing suit he was still wearing.

“I would have let you know but...“, he hesitated for a moment. “I deleted your and everyone elses number after I left.“

He felt Namjoon's stare and sheepishly scratched his neck, still not meeting his friends eyes. He was embarassed and even though Namjoon would probably understand his reasons, he nevertheless felt kind of stupid.

“I also didn't want to catch any attention. I'm not here for that.“

“Well, you did a pretty bad job at that.“, Namjoon replied and Jackson could here his grin. Before he knew it, he was grinning too and looked up again.

“I know. But I didn't think I would meet any of you guys here. It just kind of happened anyway. I had some encounters with the other guys as well.“

The other guys. Namjoon knew who he meant. His former members.

“Oh and yesterday, I met the guys from Monsta X. I had a long talk with Jooheon about why I left and why I'm back all of a sudden.“

“Well, I wanted to have that talk too.“, Namjoon said carefully and smiled at Jackson.

“Yeah, I figured.“

“Actually, the only thing that's really been bothering me all these years is where you have been all this time. It was like you just vanished from the earth's surface.“

Jackson didn't hesitate answering like Namjoon had expected.

“I was in Hongkong. I moved back in with my parents. That's also where I have been practicing all this time. I didn't have much else to do so I started fencing again. It kind of distracted me.“

“Did you really hate being an idol so much that you had to leave overnight without letting anyone know where you left to or why?“

“No, I loved being an idol. You know what I gave up to pursue that dream. But I had some other reasons. Things I couldn't control happened and I didn't know what to do anymore. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, not because I didn't want to but because it probably would have fucked everything up. I didn't want to risk that and some day, it was just all too much. I couldn't handle it anymore and because I couldn't do anything else, I just left.“

“You don't have to answer if you don't want to but...what were these things you couldn't control?“

Jackson smiled at that, knowing that question would come sooner or later.

“I simply fell in love.“

Jackson normally would have laughed at Namjoon's expression but he didn't feel like laughing at the moment.

“Shocking, huh? Jooheon was as shocked as you. But yes, I fell in love. On top of that, with a guy.“

He hadn't told Jooheon the last part, not knowing if his friend had something against homosexual people, even though he wouldn't expect that from him. But he knew that Namjoon and the rest of BTS were very supportive of LGBT+ rights, so he was comfortable telling him that he liked men.

Jackson thought his friend would now look even more shocked but Namjoon's expression softened and soon he was grinning again.

“Do I, by chance, know the lucky guy?“

Jackson rolled his eyes but then grinned too.

“Yes, you definitely do.“ Jackson's grin disappeared again and Namjoon's a moment later too, after seeing his friend's sudden seriousness.

“Hey, you don't have to tell me who it is.“, Bangtan's leader said, as if he was sensing that Jackson thought he desperately wanted to know who he fell in love with. “I wasn't asking because I wanted to know who it is. It doesn't matter. It's just sad that you didn't see any other way out than leaving.“

“I know.“ Jackson smiled sadly. “If I had to make the same decision again, I definitely wouldn't leave. I would have tried to deal with it somehow. Leaving wasn't the right thing to do at all.“

Namjoon gently smiled at his old friend and squeezed his shoulder.

“But you're back now. That's all that matters.“

Jackson gratefully smiled back for a moment but then looked at his hands in his lap again.

“I don't think that matters at all. Even though you and Jooheon and probably a lot of my other old friends forgive me, my members probably still want me to go back to Hongkong. And I can understand that. An apology can't fix what I have caused. I hurt them. And I crashed their careers.“

Namjoon raised an eyebrow at that.

“Haven't you followed their career after you've left? You haven't crashed anything. Sure, you hurt them very much, that is true, and there also were people that blamed them for your disappearance, but their career didn't take any dramatic damage from that. On the contrary. They won award after award and held concerts all around the world. You didn't crash their dreams.“

Jackson didn't know that. He had assumed that he had killed their careers after he had left. After all they always had seemed like the perfect idol group. They had been a family, for the public but also in silent moments in their dorm where nobody could see them. And that someone from such a close group of friends suddenly left the idol group – he thought that had killed everything.

But he was so happy that it hadn't. Sure, he had thought about something like that when he found out that his former members were still promoting under the name of Got7 and that they were going to perform at the Olympic Games, but he hadn't been completely sure. To hear it from Namjoon though brought unwillingly tears to his eyes. He tried to quickly blink them away but to no avail. They just kept coming and soon enough, he was rubbing at his eyes, trying to stop them.

Namjoon was just sitting there, rubbing comforting circles onto Jackson's back, while the latter cried into his hands. Namjoon could only try to imagine how his friend felt. Apparently, he hadn't followed anything here in Korea at all over the four years he had been gone and to hear that all his worries had been in vain must be so relieving.

Jackson needed a moment to calm down again and as he looked up with teary eyes and a puffy face, Namjoon was there, still smiling gently at him and offering him a whole box of tissues. He was so grateful in that moment, for everything Namjoon had ever done for him, that he just pulled his friend into a hug.

Bangtan's leader understood Jackson's silent thank you and just returned the hug, the box of tissues still in his hand.

As Jackson pulled back after a short moment, he finally accepted Namjoon's offered tissues and tried to wipe off the mess on his face. After wiping away the tears and blowing his nose – he must have still looked puffy and red from crying and rubbing his skin so much – he just laughed a little, more out of embarassment than anything else.

Namjoon was still just smiling at him, not saying a word, and after another moment, he got up from the couch and stretched his body.

“We should get going too.“, he said and looked at Jackson. “My manager will come very soon to get me and I think we have talked enough for today.“

Jackson agreed and stood up too. There were still some unsaid things between them, things that would take time to talk about and weren't suitable for a dressing room in a stadion, but they had time. The most important things were said and Namjoon knew what he needed to know for now.

They gathered their things and walked out of the room, turning the lights off and closing the door behind them.

They had to go in different directions, Bangtan's leader to the exit and Jackson to his waiting room to get changed, so Namjoon smiled reassuringly at his old friend for a last time.

“Remember, they miss you too.“ And with that and a pat on Jackson's shoulder, Namjoon started walking away and soon disappeared behind the next corner, leaving Jackson alone in an empty hallway.

With a heavy sigh but a smile on his lips, Jackson started moving towards his waiting room and quickly changed once he got there. His plan from earlier to celebrate his victory was still settled and he couldn't wait to finally get inside his hotel room, lay in his bed and eat the hotel's complete menu.

On his way to the hotel and even after he was long back and sitting with a bowl of noodles on his bed, he still thought about what Namjoon had said. Tomorrow would already be the semifinal and he would fly back to Hongkong in the noon a day after the final. So he only had three days to somehow get to talk with his members and additionally also win the gold medal. He had no idea how he should do that. But he had to and he wanted it. Maybe beginning to feel less scared of a possible encounter would be a step in the right direction.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I'm back!  
> It's the middle of the night where I live right now but I really felt like posting a new chapter already. I can't believe it's already the 7th chapter, I still haven't written the last one but I know what I want to write so I just have to find the motivation to write it down.  
> Anyways, I hope you like the new chapter, even though it has a mean cliffhanger at the end.  
> Enjoy and see you soon!  
> Bye!

Before the semifinal, Jackson intentionally didn't inform himself about his opponent. He knew that he would be strong, everyone would be from this point on in the competition. He couldn't change anything about that and so it didn't really matter.

On top of that, he wasn't very good at observing his opponents in a video on a screen. He needed to see them live in action to see all the things he needed to know to form an opinion about their fencing style. And because that wasn't possible, he simply didn't care about how good they were.

He felt refreshed and relaxed in the morning, slowly sitting up in his bed and blinking sleepily into the sun outside. The plates and bowls from his little “feast“ an evening before still stood on a little tray table with wheels right beside his bed.

He stretched and got up to take a shower before he had to head out to the stadion for his match. His was only the second out of the two semifinal matches but he wanted to see who could be his possible opponent in the final. Provided he would win today.

It was still relatively early in the morning, to be exact nine o' clock, and the first match wouldn't start until eleven, so he took his time, ordered breakfast from the room service after his shower and ate it while watching the news on the television. It hadn't really happened anything important and he didn't really listen anyway, but it got interesting when they talked about the news in sports and therefore also the Olympics. Jackson hadn't seen himself on TV for anything else than his career with Got7 and being an idol in general. So it was something else to hear the news reporter talking about him and his last match, even though he was barely a minute the topic of the discussion.

They ended their talking about fencing with showing a table of the overall rankings until now. Jackson spotted his name and also the ones of his “teammates“. None of them had really made it far in the single competitions, but the group matches were still pending. He wasn't going to participate in them.

Only the weather followed after the sports news and Jackson wasn't interested in that, so he turned the TV off, finished his breakfast and got ready to head out.

He still had an hour or so to still be in time for the first match but the traffic in Seoul could be something else and it was always better to be a little too early than too late.

The taxi ride was silent, Jackson having caught a taxi driver that wasn't very talkaktive. But that was kind of nice, he didn't want to talk either at the moment. The silence was comfortable.

Once he arrived at the stadion, he still had ten minutes left before the start of the match and he lazily trudged over to the entrance for athletes. They let him in and he walked just as slow as before to his waiting room.

As he had just turned around the last corner, some familiar faces came towards him. Got7 again.

Of course they noticed him too, they must have, he was the only person in the hallway at the moment, but they didn't show it at all. Jaebum was walking ahead of them, staring straight forward, pretending to see nothing at all. The others were the same and Jackson was kind of surprised by that. He somehow had expected something like that but it was nevertheless a little punch to the face.

Little because as he passed Mark, the last one in their lane, the boy from LA actually looked at him for a moment and on top of everything even smiled a little. To say Jackson was perplexed was an understatement. He was downright shocked. He hadn't expected _that_ at all.

But as soon as the moment had come, as soon was it over again and the six boys disappeared behind the next corner. Jackson walked a little faster, clutching his bag with his fencing equipment in his hand a little harder. Once he was in the safety of his waiting room, he took a deep breath. He had been so surprised by Mark's smile, he even forgot to smile back.

Another deep breath later, he pushed himself off the door, on which he was still leaning, and turned the TV on while he sat his bag down. The match would start in a few minutes and his own would already be in about 45 minutes, so he got changed while looking at the screen simultaneously.

From the start on, even an amateur could see which one of the two fencers would have the upper hand in the match. Jackson had thought it would be a bit more exciting but after exactly seven minutes and thirty seconds – half of the time they had in total – the match was decided with the last point and a total score of 15 to 8. As the two guys shook each other's hands, Jackson turned the TV off again and got ready for his own match.

He stretched and warmed up a bit and soon it was already time for him to go outside.

His name was announced and he walked out into the stadion, checked his fencing suit and sword for a last time while his opponent also walked out and up to his side of the so called strip or piste, the field they would be fencing on.

As they were both ready and had shaken hands, they got into their starting positions and a few seconds later, the referee gave the signal to start.

A few minutes and a few points later, the match went very well for Jackson. His opponent seemed to have a bad day, what was very unfortunate for a match like this.

When Jackson was only one point away from the final, his opponent started what seemingly should be a last try for a counterattack to maybe turn things around again.

Even though Jackson didn't see it coming, he dodged the attack at the last second and blocked it, taking a few steps back. His opponent did the same and they were back at their starting positions.

As Jackson was just about to start an attack himself, his opponent started moving again, and by the time Jackson started moving too, the other guy was already a step ahead of him. He tried to start another counterattack, forcing Jackson to take a step back again.

This time though, something felt different. He didn't feel it right away, having too much adrenaline in his veins at the moment. But after he had dodged his opponent's attack and he stood at his starting position again, his right ankle felt strange and kind of started to hurt. He looked down for a millisecond, not wanting to give his opponent an advantage to make a point, but couldn't see anything because of the layers of clothing he was wearing.

Wanting to end it once and for all, Jackson started moving first this time with only thirty seconds left on the countdown. His opponent reacted too late and the last point was made, letting Jackson advance to the final with a total score of 15 to 10.

The overwhelming happiness he felt at the moment was only overshadowed by the increasing pain in his right ankle. As he went to shake his opponent's hand, he winced as he took a step with his right foot, but he tried to didn't let it show and walked as normal as possible up to the other guy and then out of the stadion.

Only out in the hallway and only because it was completely empty did he let himself lean on the wall for a moment to take a deep breath.

He feverly tried to recall the moment he could have possibly injured his foot but he didn't remember anything like that at all. There somehow suddenly had been this pain in his ankle.

He cursed under his breath and slowly limped back to his waiting room, hoping no one in the stadion or at home in front of the TV had seen his limping.

He sat down on the little couch in his dressing room, a sigh of relief escaping his mouth as the pressure on his ankle disappeared. Carefully he opened his shoe and slowly tried to remove it along with his sock. It took a long moment, the pain making him unable to move the shoe or the sock more than a few centimetres at a time.

Once both things were finally completely off, the swelling couldn't be overlooked. He cursed a second time out of frustration and carefully touched his ankle to see how bad the pain was. It was bearable but it would be really difficult to compete with it. Jackson really had the urge to cry at the moment. Why did something like this had to happen now? Now that he was only one step away from achieving one of his biggest dreams.

Frustrated he dragged a hand through his hair. Overthinking didn't help at all at the moment. He needed to stay calm and composed, he couldn't change anything about the situation anyway.

So after closing his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts, he carefully and slowly got up again to get changed. He didn't want to stay longer than necessary when he could be at the hotel already to cool his ankle with an ice pack.

He quickly changed and put on his street shoes – without socks and laced as loose as possible on the right side.

He gathered his things, not bothering to stow his fencing suit neatly folded into his bag.

Just ten minutes later, he was already sitting in a taxi, bringing him back to his hotel.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Mark couldn't help himself as Jackson passed them in the hallway. He just had to smile at him.

He had always thought that he would be angry at the boy from Hongkong when he saw him again but the moment it became clear that Jackson really was back in Korea after all these years and they had seen him on TV, Mark just felt very relieved.

Yes, of course they had been disappointed and had felt hurt and betrayed after Jackson's sudden disappearance but they rather had been worried about him and his well-being.

Like all of them, Mark wanted to know why Jackson had even left in the first place, but with them practically ignoring and avoiding him at all costs, he would never find out.

So smiling at Jackson and trying to lift something of the bitter feeling between them probably was a step in the right direction, right? At least Mark felt like it was.

And he knew for sure that the other members were practically dying to talk to Jackson again. He was right in front of them most of the time and only their dumb feelings were hindering them from actually approaching the boy from Hongkong.

Mark was so sure about them wanting to talk to Jackson because the moment they got to their waiting room, someone turned the TV on the wall on and they basically whipped their heads in the direction of the screen the moment Jackson's name was announced for his upcoming semifinal match.

They watched the match in silence while they got their hair and makeup done, no one commented anything. Even they could see that Jackson was better than his opponent or the other guy just simply had a bad day, what would be very unfortunate for a match of this importance.

But even though Jackson was in advantage, even he got surprised at a sudden attack his opponent started close to the end of the match. Jackson dodged it and another counterattack followed closely after and this time, as Jackson took a step back, they all immediately saw it. He twisted his right ankle.

The people in the audience didn't seem to notice though and even Jackson himself didn't seem to feel anything wrong for a short moment, until they saw him looking down at his feet for not more than a few milliseconds.

“Did you see that?“, Jinyoung asked, even though he knew that everybody had noticed it. Mark tried to didn't let his suprise show, Jinyoung being the one that vehemently didn't want to talk about or to Jackson at all the other day.

They nodded in affirmation and Jinyoung looked back at the screen, a worried expression on his face.

Jackson just continued like nothing had happened and a few moments later, he made his last point and won the match.

They could clearly see that he was in pain as he first walked up to his opponent to shake hands and then out of the stadion. But Jackson being Jackson, he tried to don't let it show and anyone who didn't know him as well as they did, probably wouldn't have noticed anything.

They didn't had time to worry any further though, the lunch break was approaching and thus their performance. The stylists and makeup noonas finished the last touch ups and a few minutes later they were already on their way to the stage, getting ready for their upcoming performance.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The traffic in Seoul being the worst during lunchtime, Jackson's taxi drive back to the hotel took more time than he had expected.

Almost an hour and a half after he had left the stadion, he was finally standing in one of the elevators of his hotel, bringing him up to his floor. He almost couldn't await the slightly to hard mattress of his bed.

His bag fell out of his hand somewhere in the middle of the room and he made a mental note to himself to put it aside later so that he didn't accidentally stumble over it in the middle of the night on his way to the bathroom or so.

Standing right in front of his bed, he just let himself fall on it. His ankle was still hurting, he was tired and slightly hungry and he would have lain there forever if his phone didn't suddenly rang. He sat up, pulled it out of his pocket and answered the call without looking at the callers ID. It was probably his parents or his brother anyways.

The voice on the other side of the line was familiar but also unexpected. It was Jooheon. He had given the younger his number when they had met up.

“Hey hyung!“, he cheerfully greeted.

“Jooheon, hey. Didn't expect you to call me.“, Jackson said and tried to get as comfortable as possible with a hurting and swollen ankle.

“Yeah. Congrats on winning your match, we watched it in our waiting room earlier!“

“Thanks.“

“So...“ Jooheon sounded hesitant. “Did you hear about the unofficial party in the athletes quarters this evening?“

The athletes quarters. Jackson knew they excisted but he wasn't very comfortable with sharing a room with people he didn't know or didn't like so he just settled for a slightly too expensive hotelroom downtown.

“No, I haven't.“, he said because it was true. Who would tell him about something like that anyway? His teammates definitely not and he didn't know any other athletes.

“Oh.“, Jooheon answered. “I just thought it would be fun if you would come too. A lot idol groups are coming too. They are unofficially invited.“

“I don't think I want to, sorry.“ He could imagine funnier things to do on an evening. Getting wasted and meeting people he didn't want to meet wasn't one of them.

“Oh come on! We're all going too! BTS will go too!“ Got7 will also come, Jooheon thought but intentionally didn't say it aloud.

Jackson really wanted to give his ankle as an excuse not to go but he didn't want Jooheon to know about it. He just twisted it a bit, it wasn't a big deal. By tomorrow morning, the swelling would be gone again for sure.

“I'm really not in the mood.“, he said instead but Jooheon stayed persistent.

Ten minutes later, he was running out of excuses to stay in his hotelroom and not go to this weird party and he knew he had already lost. He ended up agreeing to meet them outside of his hotel at eight o' clock and Jooheon hung up before Jackson could have said anything else. He sighed and laid his phone on one of the bedside tables.

He still had a few hours to relax, shower and maybe sleep a bit, but first of all, he called the room service and ordered something to eat and a big portion of ice cubes, ignoring the slightly confused tone of the woman on the other side of the line.

Fifteen minutes later, he was sitting against the headboard of the bed, munching his foot, a few cushions propped up underneath his foot and a towel with ice cubes wrapped around his ankle. The TV was on but more as a background noise, Jackson wasn't really listening or watching.

On his phone, he searched if anyone had already uploaded his match from earlier, wanting to know where and when he got himself injured. And indeed, some people had already posted some fancams of his semifinal match. He skipped through one of the videos to the scenes from the end of his match and there was indeed a scene where he could see the exact moment he took a step back after a counterattack from his opponent and in the process twisted his right ankle.

Something like this was the worst thing that could have happened. An injury right before the final wasn't something he could use at all.

He sighed and turned both his phone and the TV off and slid a bit further down the bed so that he was actually lying down and not sitting against the headboard anymore.

He couldn't change what had already happened so he decided to just sleep for a little while until he had to get himself a bit more presentable for the party.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jackson woke up again exactly one hour before he would meet the guys from Monsta X outside of his hotel.

He sat up and stretched, being even more sleepy than before due to his nap.

Before he could lie down and probably fall asleep again though, he carefully stood up, trying not to strain his ankle more than necessary. He limped to the bathroom, taking a quick shower and after that, he walked over to his suitcase, searching for anything to wear that would make him somewhat presentable for the outside world.

He just set on some black pants, a sweater and some comfortable sneakers that wouldn't let his ankle hurt so much. He didn't bother putting on some makeup, not having something with him at the moment and not having done it for four years anyway. He did style his hair a little though, not wanting it to fall into his eyes all the time.

Ten minutes before the settled time he would meet Monsta X, he grabbed his phone and the keycard to his hotel room and made his way down to the foyer. He tried to walk as normally as possible, ignoring the stinging pain in his foot every time he had to put weight on it.

Monsta X was indeed already waiting for him in front of the hotel. They quickly greeted each other and called two cabs, one not being enough for eight people. He got into a cab with Jooheon, Shownu, I.M and Kihyun and they all chatted a bit during their ride to the athlete quarters, which were near the main stadion.

As they arrived there, Shownu paid the taxi driver and Jackson was about to protest, wanting to pay at least a part of the price, but Jooheon quickly pulled him with him and he tried to ignore the sharp pain in his ankle. Soon enough, he was standing in the midst of people he didn't know but who apparently knew him.

Jackson tried to ignore the stares he received and quickly followed Jooheon to the set up bar in the corner of the main room they were in right now.

He saw some familiar faces from afar in the mass of people, some were old friends, some just old idol colleagues, but he hoped that neither of them noticed him. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Jooheon pushed a cup with a liquid into his hand that smelled like it was just pure alcohol. He held onto it but with no intention to actually drink it.

He stared at the room they were in right now, drinking in the mass of people, the loud music and the too bright lights around him and as he turned around again to say something to Jooheon, the latter was nowhere in sight.

Jackson sighed and moved away from the bar, abandoning his drink on a nearby table. He walked through the mass of people, seeing Taehyung from BTS in the distance talking to Sungjae from Btob. They were the first people he saw today that he knew and he was glad they hadn't noticed him, too absorbed in their conversation.

He walked outside again, not to the backyard with the pool, there were as well too many people for his liking, but to the front, where he had arrived just fifteen minutes ago.

A street lamp was standing a few metres away and illuminated the front yard a bit. Jackson just stood there for a moment, enjoying the cool night air. Everything in the house behind him was a bit too overwhelming and he looked up at the clear night sky, when suddenly someone spoke up beside him.

“Congrats.“


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I'm back!  
> I'm really excited for the last few chapters, even though I still have to finish the last one. The chapters are going to be longer from now on, I don't know what happened, they just kept getting longer and longer.  
> I hope you enjoy this one, there is finally going on some interaction between Jackson and the others.  
> Until next week!  
> Bye!

Jackson's head whipped around and he was greeted with the sight of Mark, standing merely a few metres away from him. He didn't answer and just stared at his hyung. He must have stood there already when Jackson went outside.

“Did you lose your voice?“, Mark said, clearly amused, and even smiled a bit. Jackson was overwhelmed. He hadn't expected any of his former members to speak to him and to say he was simply surprised by Mark approaching him was slightly underestimated.

“I don't want anything bad. I just want to talk.“ Mark continued his monologue and Jackson was just able to nod slowly. Talk, okay, he could manage that. Somehow.

“We've seen your matches. Congrats for entering the final.“

“Thank you.“, Jackson managed to say with a sincere but hesitant smile.

“Not that I'm surprised.“, Mark said with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Jackson just simply looked at him, not knowing what to say to that or if he should even say something at all.

“You're not that big of a talker anymore, hm?“, the older boy grinned. “Or is it just because of me?“

Mark's grin somehow relaxed him a bit and he sheepishly cratched his neck. “I just don't know what to say I guess.“, Jackson answered. “I wasn't really expecting anyone of you to talk to me.“

Mark smiled again. “You know, we don't hate you.“

Jackson could feel in what direction this conversation was slowly moving. And he wasn't really ready for it.

“Well. You have any right to hate me.“

Mark's smile fell at that and he sighed, taking a step towards Jackson.

“We maybe hate the things you did but not you, Jackson. I think it isn't ever possible for us to hate you, even if we wanted to.“

Jackson didn't know what to think about that and just stayed quiet. Mark looked at him for a moment and then sighed again. He had expected something like this but it was nevertheless weird that Jackson wasn't talking much, Mark still being used to a blabbering Jackson.

“I'd like to talk to you.“, Mark then said and Jackson, again, just looked at him. “In a place that's more quiet. I mean, if you want to.“

Jackson might have felt like he wasn't ready but nevertheless, he wanted to talk. So he nodded and Mark called a taxi, telling the driver an address he didn't catch.

They drove in mutual silence, Jackson not knowing what to say and Mark seemingly saving all the questions and all the things he wanted to say for later.

After some time, the taxi came to a stop and the moment Jackson got out of the car, he knew where Mark just lead them to. They were standing in front of the apartment building their dorm was in.

“I thought it would be quieter than a café or so.“, Mark said, while Jackson just blanky stared at the building in front of him. “We can still go somewhere else if you're not comfortable with this.“

Jackson turned to look at the older boy and shook his head. He really wasn't entirely comfortable with visiting his old home but he wanted to. God, he wanted it so much. He wanted to see how much it had changed, he wanted to feel and see the precious memories he had made there once again.

Mark just simply nodded back and lead the way up. It was amusing and saddening all the same to see Jackson's reaction to the building he had once lived in. He looked at it like someone would look at a friend he hadn't seen in a very long time.

Same for the actual dorm.

They hadn't changed much in the last few years and for the boy from Hongkong it must still look like it had four years ago.

Even though he once had lived here too, Jackson felt like he was invading some very personal space. It felt weird as Mark lead him to the couch and they sat down.

“You still have the couch.“, Jackson said and Mark looked at him, smiling a little.

“Yeah, we do.“

Jackson didn't seem like he wanted to say anything else and just kept looking around. His eyes lingered a moment longer on some framed photographs beside the TV and he noticed that he was on almost all of them, just like the other members. He dared to smile a little and Mark pulled him out of his kind of trance.

“So, what I was wanting to talk about“, he said and Jackson tensed. He took a deep breath and sit a bit more upright. He could do this.

“I just want a reason for your sudden disappearance all those years ago.“

Jackson just looked at the older boy in front of him. He wasn't sure if he was able to give Mark the actual reason he left but he also wasn't sure if he could lie.

Mark had been his best friend, still was, if Jackson dared to hope. They knew each other long before they had debuted and he trusted Mark. He trusted him with his life.

Mark took Jackson's silence as an unwillingness to speak and pushed further.

“Did we do something? Was it because of us?“ And for the first time this evening, Mark saw more than a hesitant smile or an unsure expression on Jackson's face. He frowned and looked at Mark as if he had lost his mind.

“No. God, no.“, Jackson started. “It wasn't because of you. You never did something that was so severe that it would have made me leave.“

“Than why, Jackson? Why did you leave?“ Mark sounded almost desperate now, eager to finally find out why one of his best friends, someone he considered family, had suddenly left them without an explanation.

Jackson sighed and looked at his hands in his lap.

“I'm not sure if you're going to like my reason.“, Jackson said and looked up at Mark again. “It's a very selfish one.“

“I don't care if I like it or not.“, Mark answered impatiently.

“I fell in love.“ Mark looked at him with furrowed brows, wanting to say something, but Jackson just continued. “With Jaebum.“

Mark looked like he hadn't expected _that_ at all. He also didn't look like he was going to say something in the next minutes so Jackson continued.

“I don't know when exactly it happened, it just kind of did. And I could have lived with that, I really could have. But then Jaebum had a girlfriend, out of nowhere. And she was _always_ with us. Always. He became so distant, towards all of us. At some point I just couldn't take it anymore, so I left.“

It took a moment or two for Mark to fully register what Jackson had just told him. But as he did, it suddenly all made sense. All the lingering stares, the painful expressions and Jackson's quietness every time Jaebum's girlfriend had been around.

It suddenly all made sense and Mark felt sorry. Sorry for not noticing, sorry that he let it happen, that he let Jackson leave because he felt like he didn't have another option.

“Oh Jackson“, he whispered, more to himself than to the boy from Hongkong, but the latter heard it nevertheless. Just a moment later, Jackson found himself in a tight hug that he returned a few seconds later.

It felt good and comforting to finally be able to hug a person again that you consider family. Jackson had not only missed Jaebum, of course he had missed the other members too. They had always been there for him, they were like brothers.

He didn't feel like crying though. He felt like he had done that enough yesterday and in the past four years. Instead, he felt happy in Mark's embrace.

“I'm sorry.“, Mark said as he pulled away again a few moments later.

“What for? I'm the one that should feel sorry.“

“I'm sorry for not noticing how much you were hurting.“

Mark, always the emotional one out of the seven of them, looked like was about to cry and Jackson just simply took his hand.

“You didn't notice because I didn't want you to. I tried to hide it as best as I could and apparently I did a good job at that.“

Jackson smiled at the older boy and squeezed his hand lightly.

“Nevertheless“, Mark said and squeezed Jackson's hand back. “We should have noticed. We were with you almost constantly and no one noticed anything different about you. Maybe that's why we're all so hurt by the fact that you just left without a word.“

“I shouldn't have done that.“, Jackson said with a sigh and Mark just looked at him for a moment, studying his face. “It was the wrong way to deal with my problems. It didn't help me and certainly not you either.“

“But you're back now.“, Mark smiled and squeezed Jackson's hand again.

“Yeah, I am.“, the younger smiled back. “But I'm going back to Hongkong after the Olympics. That's in a few days. I didn't know beforehand if I was going to be able to sort out some problems, but it's a huge progress that you're willing to talk to me right now. I didn't expect that.“

“Well, I knew that this was probably going to be the only chance to speak to you again and even though I'm still really mad at you, I'm happy that you're back and you're well. I missed you.“

This time, Jackson was the one pulling Mark in for a hug.

“I missed you too.“, he said quietly, smiling as Mark tightened the hug a bit.

They stayed like that for a moment, before they pulled back again and Mark stood up with the question if Jackson would like something to drink. He bumped into Jackson's injured foot as he was making his way towards the kitchen and the younger boy hissed at the sudden pain that was flooding his whole leg.

Mark furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at Jackson's feet.

“We were right, you injured your ankle during your match today.“

Jackson looked like a deer caught in headlights and tried to brush the heaviness of his injury aside.

“Don't worry, it's nothing. Just a little twist.“

But of course Mark didn't believe that, knowing Jackson long and good enough to know that he tended to ignore injuries and sicknesses as long as possible if they would affect something important.

Mark gave Jackson a pointed look and went to the kitchen to grab an icepack and something to drink. He came back with both and instructed the boy from Hongkong to put his right food up on the couch so that he could lay the icepack on his ankle and still be comfortable.

Jackson did as he was told and practically lay down on the couch. He thanked Mark for his drink, a bottle of Coke, and the icepack. He was comfortable enough to fall asleep in his position and a sudden rush of tiredness overcame him.

Mark plopped down beside him and they sat in silence for a moment, until Jackson suddenly spoke up again.

“When do the others come back? I should probably be gone before that. I don't want to start an unnecessary fight.“

“Don't worry, it's still early, they won't be coming home for the next few hours. You can stay until then.“

Jackson smiled at Mark again and they fell into an easy conversation, talking about everything, from what they have done the last four years to memories from the time Jackson had still been in Korea.

After some time – Mark of course noticed it, Jackson not – fell the latter asleep and it didn't seem like he was going to wake up again in the near future.

Mark removed the icepack from his ankle, covered him with a thin blanket and let him sleep, not even trying to wake him up as the others came home an hour or two later.

“We're home!“, Yugyeom shouted from the entrance and Mark walked over to them.

“Welcome back. Please keep your volume down a bit, we have a guest.“

“A guest?“, Bambam questioned as they followed Mark into the living room.

To say they were simply shocked at the boy they saw sleeping peacefully on the couch was underestimated. They had expected anyone to be the so called “guest“ but not Jackson.

“Let me explain first.“, Mark said as he saw the others furrowed eyebrows and slightly upset expressions.

“I met him outside at the party earlier. We talked for a bit and I took him with me to the dorm. He explained to me why he left all these years ago. I finally know his reason.“

They simply raised their eyebrows at that, surprised that their oldest and their former member talked about something like that.

Jaebum was the only one that still looked not very happy about Jackson's presence and a moment later, he just walked to his room and closed the door behind him, without saying anything to anyone.

Mark sighed and looked at the others, who were still staring at him expectantly.

“Come with me, we're going to talk in the kitchen.“

So they did just that, went to the kitchen and made themselves comfortable by leaning or sitting on the counters.

“So, what's Jackson's reason?“, Bambam said after a moment.

“I don't know if I'm supposed or allowed to tell you this but I'm going to do it nevertheless.“, Mark said. “But under one condition: Under all circumstances, Jaebum isn't allowed to hear anything about this, okay?“

They nodded in affirmation and Mark continued with a sigh.

“Jackson left because he fell in love with Jaebum.“

A moment passed and all they could hear was the faint ticking of the clock on the wall behind them. Mark would have laughed at their faces, hadn't the situation not been so serious.

They looked at their oldest in shock, pure disbelief on their faces. Why hadn't anyone of them noticed? Why hadn't Jackson said something, _for god's sake?_

“It makes sense.“, Jinyoung piped up from his spot in the doorway and they all turned to look at him. “Just think about it for a moment. Jackson and Jaebum had always been close in a special way and maybe the looks and hidden glances they stole from each other when they thought the other wasn't looking meant something after all. It is possible.“

“But Jaebum-hyung had a girlfriend.“, Youngjae reasoned and the others, save for Jinyoung and Mark, nodded at that.

“They weren't real. I knew the moment I saw them together for the first time that they didn't love each other in that way. They were just friends, pretending to date for whatever reason.“, Jinyoung answered.

“I think so too.“, Mark nodded. “Just remember the moment we had noticed Jackson had left. Jaebum and his girlfriend broke up just a few hours after.“

Another moment passed and nobody said anything, just thinking quietly to themselves.

“What do we do now?“, Bambam then asked and they all looked unsure of what to answer. They didn't really know what to do now. Especially since Jaebum still didn't seem to want to talk to Jackson.

“For now we should let Jackson sleep.“, Mark said. “We can talk to him tomorrow morning.“

“Yeah, I think so too.“, Jinyoung agreed. “It's late already, we should go to sleep too.

And with that, they got ready for bed, as quietly as possible to not wake Jackson.

As they walked past his sleeping figure on the couch, they noticed he hadn't changed much. Sure, he looked older, more mature, but his face was still as soft and as handsome as it always had been. He looked so peaceful sleeping, just like nothing had happened in the last few years. For a short moment, it felt like Jackson had never left, that they had just come back from their schedule and Jackson was already home, trying to wait for them, but fell asleep on the couch during that. But in reality, they of course knew that wasn't true.

It was impressive how fast they feelings towards him could change from hurt and some kind of hatred to feeling sorry for not noticing how much he had been hurting. Sure, they still weren't happy about Jackson's choice to just leave and a bit disappointed that he hadn't trust them enough to tell them what was going on, but they could overcome that if it meant that Jackson was back in their midst.

While the others talked in the kitchen and got ready for bed, Jaebum lay in the dark on his bed and thought about Jackson. As usual. Having him in the dorm right at this moment made his heart speed up and he had the urge to sit down beside the boy and just stare at his stupidly handsome face.

He didn't know if he realized it in that moment or if he already did a long time ago, but he didn't have any bad feelings for Jackson anymore. He wasn't sure if there ever had been some in the first place. He just knew that when the boy from Hongkong would suddenly announce that he would like to come back to the group, Jaebum would probably be the last one to reject him.

He turned over and stared at the wall. Outside his room he could hear the others talking in hushed tones and one door after another was being closed until the dorm was completely silent.

It was late at night and he should probably sleep but he just couldn't. Not with Jackson just outside on the couch and not right beside him in the room he once lived in too.

Sometimes, after long days of practice or a specifically harsh schedule, Jaebum thought he could still scent Jackson in the air of the room and he liked to imagine how their lives could have been if Jackson hadn't left.

He would imagine the seven of them, performing on stage and living their dream, but he would also see them in their dorm on lazy mornings on a day off or late at night when they were all tired and exhausted. He would imagine scenes that happened thousands of times before but he liked to think that even if their popularity and career might change, the seven of them would always be the same.

And in a way, that was true. They still were the same, just missing one piece to complete the puzzle.

Jaebum had heard that from fans before or read it online, that the seven of them were like puzzle pieces from different puzzles that didn't mean to fit but somehow did nevertheless. In his opinion, a description of their relationship couldn't be more accurate.

They were all so different, hell, even half of them were born in another country, but they seemed to work somehow. And with Jackson missing, it was like they lacked something. Like they didn't quite work that good anymore. Sure, they still got by quite alright, speaking from their musical achievements, but it was just like there was a very specific and important cogwheel missing. It just wasn't the same without Jackson.

Jaebum sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about this anymore, it was exhausting.

As he finally drifted off to sleep some minutes later, he dreamed of seven boys standing on a stage and of a smile that was contagious.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Jaebum wasn't granted with more than a few hours of sleep that night and he woke up before everyone else the next morning.

He decided to take a shower to wash off the rest of his sleepiness and fix himself some breakfast after that.

He almost forgot that Jackson was still in their dorm until he exited the bathroom after his shower and made his way towards the kitchen. The boy from Hongkong was still sleeping peacefully on the couch and Jaebum just stood there for a moment, staring at him.

He dared to take a few steps towards the couch, until he was standing right in front of Jackson, and crouched down. He knew that this was a very, very bad idea but he couldn't care less at the moment. So as he lifted his right hand and carefully brushed his fingers through Jackson's hair once, then another time, he didn't think too much about it.

Engulfed in the moment, Jaebum almost didn't notice that Jackson stirred slightly and opened his eyes. Only because he felt stared at, he looked down and met Jackson's eyes for a moment, before he immediately pulled his hand back as if he had been burned and stood up again.

He still held Jackson's gaze, even as the latter stood up and hissed in pain as he put too much weight on his injured ankle. Jaebum's eyes shot down for a moment and he saw the slightly swollen foot, before Jackson hastily grabbed his phone from the couch and made his way towards the front door.

Jaebum just stood there for a moment, dumbstruck, then went after Jackson, who was just about to open the front door. Grabbing Jackson's wrist, Jaebum turned him around and looked right into his eyes. Even though Jaebum wanted to say something, all he could do was just stare.

Before Jaebum could do or say anything to stop him, Jackson freed his wrist and opened the door.

“I really have to go.“, he said, turned around and limped to the elevator, without looking back even once.

Jaebum just closed the door, after a moment of staring into the air where Jackson just had stood a few moments ago, and with a heavy sigh, went back into the kitchen, his original destination. He made himself a bowl of cereal and leaned against one of the counters, staring distractedly into the air.

He almost didn't notice when the others slowly, one by one, woke up too, strolled in and out of their rooms and the bathroom. It was still early, too early for any of them to actual think about getting ready for their performance at the Olympics today, so Jaebum put his long empty bowl into the sink and made his way to their living room area.

He was met with the sight of Yugyeom and Bambam sprawled out on the couch, fast asleep, and Mark sitting beside them, on the little space that wasn't occupied, watching TV. Just as he was about to point out why the maknaes weren't still sleeping in their room instead of on their couch, Youngjae shuffled out of his room and Jinyoung emerged from the bathroom.

Jaebum sat down in front of the couch and after a moment, Jinyoung and Youngjae did the same. They all sat in silence for a moment, until Mark broke it.

“Jackson already left.“

It was a statement meant for nobody in particular but Jaebum tensed nevertheless, feeling Mark's stare at the back of his head.

“I know.“, he simply answered after a moment and nobody seemed to want to ask any further, even though Jaebum could see out of the corner of his eyes that Jinyoung and Youngjae stared at him curiously and he could still feel Mark looking at the back of his head. He didn't budge though and just kept staring at the TV, not paying much attention to the program. Bambam and Yugyeom were still out cold beside them and after a moment in which Mark seemingly noticed that he wouldn't get any further information, he sighed and got up to cover the maknaes with a thin blanket.

They spent the rest of their free time that morning that way, staring at the TV without someone saying something even once, all of them caught up in their own thoughts.

Only when Bambam and Yugyeom woke up some time later, they started to get ready for the day. A welcoming distraction to the problems still laying ahead.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

It had been a long time since Jackson had slept that peacefully. To be honest, even though his irregular sleeping rhythm changed into a normal one after he had left his idol life behind, he couldn't sleep that well. It got better after some time but his old bedroom in his parents' house just wasn't that familiar anymore. He got used to the dorms and as it seemed, he was still used to them.

He woke up from someone showering and stayed in the state between falling back asleep again and waking up fully. His sleep clouded brain hadn't realized yet where he still was and it seemed like it wasn't going to realize it anytime soon, being too content with the familiar surroundings.

He faintly registered the sound of a door being opened and steps being taking in his direction, until they suddenly stopped and he felt a hand on his head, brushing through his hair.

Normally, someone caressing his hair would make him sleepy and he would have fallen back asleep, but before he could do that, he opened his eyes and was suddenly very much awake.

Jaebum was crouching down in front of him, patting his head with one hand and smiling distractedly to himself. Jackson just stared at him, his heart going a mile a minute, and took in Jaebum's still wet hair, the slope of his nose, his soft lips smiling down at him. He just stared and maybe it was a bit to intensely because all of a sudden, Jaebum shifted his gaze and looked right into Jackson's eyes. Almost immediately, he pulled his hand back and stood up, still maintaining eye contact.

Jackson sat upright, still trying to comprehend the situation, and stood up too, hissing in pain as he stepped on his injured foot. He saw Jaebum's eyes looking down for a second and he took advantage of that moment to grab his phone from the couch and make his way to the front door.

Jaebum appeared behind him as he had just put on his shoes and was about to leave the apartment. With one hand already on the door handle, Jaebum grabbed the other and turned him around. They just stared at each other and even though Jaebum seemed like he wanted to say or do something, he just stood still.

Jackson did the same. He just stared at his former band member, one of his former best friends, the love of his life, he even dared to say.

Before Jackson could do something dumb, like pushing Jaebum away or worse, _kissing him_ , he freed his wrist and opened the door.

“I really have to go.“, he said and limped as fast as possible to the elevator, without looking back even once. He just hoped Jaebum wouldn't follow him and that the others hadn't woken up by now. He wasn't really ready for a confrontation just yet, he had only spoken to Mark and he knew that the older was the easiest one to forgive him. The others, especially Jaebum and Jinyoung, the latter being known for holding grudges, would be more difficult to talk to. And at the moment, he had other things to do, as bad as it sounded. He was one step away from a gold medal.

To be exact, Jackson was 4 hours and 40 minutes away from the beginning of his final match and it was way too early to be up already but he wasn't going to get any more sleep anyway. With the rising sun came the nervousness and he was already on edge. He wanted it to be over as soon as possible.

A few minutes after leaving the dorm, his smartphone vibrated in his pocket. Jooheon had sent him a message, asking if he was alright because he had suddenly disappeared the night before. He replied with a short “Yeah, don't worry.“ and hoped that his friend wouldn't question anything else.

He didn't and even if he would have, Jackson turned off his smartphone the moment he closed the door to his hotel room, blocking any attempt from anyone to reach out to him. He just wasn't in the mood to talk right now.

He fell backwards onto the bed and just lay there, staring at the ceiling, until he had to pack his bag and get to the stadion.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I'm back!  
> I'm a bit stressed right now because I didn't make any real progress with the 11th and last chapter of this story but that doesn't mean I won't post until it's finished.  
> I'm not really satisfied with the first half of this chapter. I read it a few times already but I don't know what or how to change it so it will just stay like this for now.  
> Before you start to read, I'd like to say something:  
>  **I don't know how fencing works and all that is described about the sport in this chapter I had to research!**  
>  Now, please enjoy!  
> Until next week, bye!

Their performance was in the afternoon this time, right after all the tournaments were finished. They didn't have to be at the stadion right now, but they were nevertheless. They wanted to see Jackson's last match.

They weren't the only ones wanting to see Jackson. BTS was already waiting for them in their dressing room and they greeted their friends as the six of them settled down somewhere in vicinity of the TV. Monsta X arrived just a few moments later and took the seats that were still available.

The screen on the wall was already turned on and showed a view of the inside of the stadion. The last spectators settled down and purchased the last few snacks before the match would start.

Jaebum looked around and noticed Bambam and Yugyeom talking to the maknae line of BTS. He overheard some of their conversation and tried not to look too obvious about it. Jackson and his opponent apparently had been already there to warm up and greet each other and had gone back to their waiting rooms just moments before Jaebum and the others had shown up.

Just in that moment, the image on the TV changed and a second later, they could see Jackson's face on the screen, his opponent a few feet behind him, talking to a guy that seemed to be his coach. The camera moved to catch a young woman with a microphone in the frame.

Jackson looked expectantly at her and as she finally started talking, they figured that Jackson was being interviewed, him being a potential gold medalist and all.

It wasn't like Jaebum didn't want to listen but somehow he just stared at Jackson. The interviewer asked some basic questions, how Jackson was feeling right now and if he felt confident to win the gold medal. Jaebum didn't really focus on the interview. But what grabbed his attention was the question the woman asked at the end. Even Jackson seemed suprised.

“So, as we all know, you were part of an idol group a few years ago. Why did you disappear so abruptly?“, she asked and you could see how Jackson got more and more uncomfortable which each word she said.

“That was because of a private reason.“, he answered after a few seconds of hesitation and even though the woman didn't seem very satisfied with the answer, she didn't pry any further.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jaebum could see the sad and sympathetic looks the others wore as they watched Jackson and he questioned what they were about. A few days back, they wouldn't even look at the boy from Hongkong and now they looked at him like that. Don't get him wrong, Jaebum was happy about their change at heart because he wasn't angry at Jackson himself anymore, but their change in opinion came so abruptly that he really wanted to know why.

His attention was pulled back to the screen as the woman spoke again.

“Got7 performed several times here at the Olympics. Did you get a chance to talk to the members?“

Again a few seconds of hesitation and Jackson looked right at the camera as if he knew the six of them were watching somewhere.

“No, I didn't get the chance to talk to them yet.“, he said, not taking his gaze off of the camera. “But I hope I'll get one soon. I'm really sorry for what I did and I know it hurt them, but I'd like them to know that they weren't to blame for my sudden disappearance.“

Jaebum didn't know what to make of that. He just looked numbly at the screen on the wall and felt someone's stare at the side of his head. Jackson and the woman continued their interview but he tuned them out and turned his head. The feeling of being stared at disappeared and his members, BTS and Monsta X looked like nobody of them had just stared a hole in the side of his head. He sighed and turned his attention back to the screen, just in time to see the scenery change again.

Not even five minutes later, the cameras focused on the entrances and Jackson and his opponent entered the stadion. Jackson practically buzzed with energy and nervousness and if Jaebum wouldn't know better, he wouldn't have seen his slight limp.

They walked up to the fencing area and took their places on their respective sides. A quick talk to their coaches and a bit of stretching to get their muscles warm again, and the referee was asking them to take position.

Jaebum took a last look at Jackson and the nervousness edged into the lines of his face, before both fencers put on their masks. It was weird knowing that in not more than three minutes, they would know who won the gold medal. Fencing matches were that short in a tournament and that was maybe one of the things that made them so interesting.

Jackson and his opponent fell into the typical fencing stance and a few seconds later, the referee was giving them the signal to start.

They both moved forward, Jackson's opponent a second before Jackson, to try to gain his first point. But Jackson reacted quickly and dodged his opponent's sabre, just to take a quick step forward and try to attack. The movement strained his ankle and he lost his balance for a moment. His opponent took that chance and landed a quick hit to his upper body, the little light on the scoring board and the referee confirming that the point was valid.

The dressing room was absolutely quiet, everyone was watching the match intently. They all had seen Jackson fencing before but this was different. Even with the mask, they could see that their friend was frustrated at letting his guard down for a moment and giving the first point to his opponent. Jackson always had been a very competitive person.

They watched as the two fencers moved back to their starting positions and fell back into the fencing stance. The clock in the background showed that only fifteen seconds had went by till now.

The referee gave the signal to start again, and this time, Jackson was the one moving first. His opponent seemed suprised but dodged the attack and quickly took a step forward, lunging at Jackson with his sword, earning him his second point.

Someone in the room, it sounded like Bambam or Yugyeom, made a frustrated noise and stood up to get something to drink. Jaebum felt jittery and nervous, his body wanted to move and walk around but he knew that wasn't going to help, so he just stayed in his place and absentmindedly bounced his leg up and down.

Jackson seemed very unfocused as he took his starting position again and just a few seconds later, took a third hit. The zero on the scoring board practically screamed at him to pull himself together and focus on his opponent and all three idol groups questioned their friends behavior. It was unusual for Jackson to be so unconcentrated.

The two fencers got back to their positions and on the next move, Jackson made his first point out of sheer luck. Right after the referee's signal, he just lunged forward without much finesse and hit his opponent on the chest. With the same tactic but a few more steps forward, he gained his second point a moment later. It didn't seem like Jackson at all to just try to hit his opponent without a thought-out tactic or plan but his ankle seemed to get worse with every movement of his legs. Jaebum could barely watch as Jackson tried to hide a wince as he stepped back to his side of the strip.

The clock above the scoring board showed that one minute was already over, when Jackson finally catched up and gained his third point. His opponent had moved the second they were allowed to attack and Jackson could just barely dodge the sword with a quick step back that strained his ankle so much, he momentarily saw black because of the pain shooting up his leg. Without seeing where or if he would hit, he just lunged forward and hit his opponent out of sheer luck. It seemed like he was depending on that now – luck.

Jackson still seemed more focused on his ankle than the fencing match as he took position again and his opponent gained his fourth point by taking not even that much of a quick step forward and hitting him in the chest. By now, Jackson's limp was very noticable as he walked back to his side of the strip and tried to relieve the strain on his right foot by putting more pressure on his uninjured foot.

Jackson's opponent gained his next point just a moment later, when Jackson tried to lunge forward but missed by a few centimetres and got hit instead. With his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth set into a grim line, his frustration was clearly noticable by now, even through his mask.

They could see him closing his eyes through the mask for a moment, taking a deep breath and as he opened his eyes again, his frustration was still clearly visible but there was also this Jackson-like determination on his face that they all just knew too well.

When the referee gave the signal to start again, Jackson wasted no time and took a few steps forward, forcing his opponent back. Said guy tried to hit him in the chest again but Jackson dodged the attack and attacked right back, hitting his opponent on the waist.

Jaebum couldn't help the small, happy noise escaping his mouth and tried to compose himself as quickly as possible. Looking around, he saw that nobody had noticed him, being to occupied with their own reactions.

They settled back down just as Jackson and his opponent started again, the latter being the one forcing Jackson back this time. He succeeded in extending his lead by lunging at Jackson, the latter trying to dodge the attack but being to slow and getting hit on the upper body.

Jackson's opponent clearly didn't want to let Jackson gain another point and had moved forward just milliseconds after the referee had given the next start signal, taking Jackson by suprise, who had tried to dodge the attack again but had gotten hit nontheless.

With one minute and fifteen seconds to go and a score of four to seven for Jackson's opponent, Jaebum suddenly really had the urge to see Jackson. Not on a screen but really in person, even if it had to be from a greater distance.

He got up and out of the waiting room without anyone really noticing him leaving until he was already gone. Nobody tried to follow him, so he just ran as fast as he could through the halls and to the spectator ranks.

Just as he arrived there, Jackson's opponent made his eighth point and the referee announced a one minute break, since it theoretically was the middle of the match – fifteen points being the total score someone can achieve and all.

Being four points behind had let the determination from earlier on Jackson's face fade a bit and he was clearly upset as he sat down on a bench on his side of the strip and took of his mask.

The break was already half over when Jaebum didn't even think about it and just called Jackson's name out into the stadion. Immediately, everyone in his vicinity turned to look at him and Jackson looked up and straight into his eyes, suprise evident on his face.

Back in the waiting room, the others couldn't believe their eyes.

“What the hell is he doing?“, Jinyoung asked, speaking aloud what everyone was thinking. They had noticed Jaebum standing up and walking out the door but that he would do something like this hadn't come to their minds.

In the spectator ranks, Jaebum was still staring at Jackson, realizing that his sudden idea had not been so great, but not backing down now that he was already standing in the spotlight.

A camera had focused in on him and he could see himself on the big screen on the wall. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, taking all of his courage to just continue what he had done just a moment before.

“Don't give up!“, Jaebum called down, clutching the railing for dear life. “You can do it! I believe in you!“

Just as Jackson's still suprised expression morphed into a smile, the referee ended the break and Jackson casted a last glance up to Jaebum, looking him in the eyes and smiling. Jaebum couldn't help himself and smiled back.

He didn't wait for the match to start again and quickly made his way back to the waiting room, not wanting to deal with fans and other people who might have recognized him.

No one said a word or commented what they all just saw him do on national television when he came back to the waiting room and Jaebum just took the seat again he had abandoned a few minutes ago.

When he turned back to the television, Jackson had scored a point in the time he had walked back. He couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself, even if it maybe wasn't even him that had helped Jackson in the end.

The last minute was slowly ticking down by now and Jackson's determination from earlier seemed to be back.

After the next start signal the referee gave, Jackson stepped forward, seemed to be ignoring his injury completely this time, and dodged an attack from his opponent. Using the momentum, he lunged forward and hit the other guy on the waist, gaining his sixth point.

As though he was in a rush – what he might have been, considering the time on the scoring board – he quickly took position again and the referee gave the next signal to start.

This time, Jackson's opponent stepped forward first, trying to force Jackson back. He succeeded as far as a few steps, when Jackson suddenly jabbed him in the chest and gained his seventh point.

With a score difference of one point and only twenty seconds left, both fencers took position again and moved forward the moment they got the referee's signal. Jackson moving a millisecond earlier, used the momentum and tried to attack, taking his opponent by suprise, who stumbled back a bit and tried to dodge Jackson's sword. He succeeded but Jackson just took another step forward and attacked again, hitting his opponent on the chest.

Jaebum – and literally everyone else in the room – was standing since Jackson was one point away from catching up to his opponent. Now, with a score of eight to eight and only ten seconds left, the room was completely silent, nobody dared to break the tension by saying something.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion as both of the fencers took their positions again, maybe for the last time. Jackson's opponent seemed to realize that this was going to be his last chance and darted forward the moment the words to start left the referee's mouth. With quick reflexes, Jackson was able to dodge the attack and decided to put everything on one card. He took a step forward, just as his opponent took another one in his direction, and jabbed him on the waist, feeling just a second later a hit on the chest.

Jackson immediately looked at the light on the scoring board, which was shining on his side, showing that the point belonged to him and a moment later, the referee confirmed that the point was valid.

The clock on the scoring board showed that there were still three seconds remaining and both fencers took position for the last time. Three seconds were a long time in the sport of fencing, so as the referee gave the signal to start, all Jackson tried to do was dodging his opponents sword. Winning with a one point difference was enough for him, therefore he didn't try to score another point.

In retrospect, these last seconds could have easily been the longest seconds in his entire life. His opponent tried one last attack by forcing him back and trying to hit him but Jackson was able to dodge the attack. He was just about to take a step forward to force his opponent away when the clock finally reached zero and the referee ended the match.

The waiting room was quiet for all but two more seconds, before they all rejoiced and fell into each others arms. Jaebum ended up with two arms full of his fellow group members and if they all cried a little bit in that moment, who could fault them for it?

They watched as Jackson just stood there for a moment staring at nothing, before he truly realized what just happened and teared off his mask, throwing his hands up in the air and letting a little scream of happiness slip out of his mouth.

Disbelief was written all over his face as he met his opponent in the middle of the strip to shake hands and it seemed like the smile on his lips wouldn't go away in the foreseeable future. Jaebum almost couldn't tear his eyes away from how happy Jackson looked in that moment.

Someone nudged him in the side and he looked up to see Youngjae motioning to follow him. He looked back to the TV and saw Jackson limping his way to the backstage area, understanding that they wanted to congratulate him while he waited for the medal ceremony.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

For Jackson, the match went by in a daze.

He remembered bits and pieces of it, remembered his body moving, almost of his own accord. The pain in his ankle was almost overwhelming and his mind had seemed to want to focus on that instead of the match.

It was all muddled and not very clear, up to the moment where Jaebum's voice shook him out of his hazy state of mind. Everything after that, he remembered perfectly fine.

Maybe it had been Jaebum's words or his smile or maybe just the sight of him, but whatever it had been, it had helped.

The moment the clock had counted down the last second and the referee had ended the match, he hadn't known what to do with himself. He couldn't quite believe it. That he had really just won the gold medal at the Olympics, a well hidden dream of his, that he had abandoned the moment he became a trainee, but couldn't quite forget about.

After quitting his life as an idol and a member of Got7, chasing after that dream once again had been the only logical solution at the time, the only thing keeping his head over water.

At the time, he had been out of shape, hadn't trained in years and only the thought of maybe competing at the Olympics sometime in the future had been laughable. But he had time. He had lots of time and he had needed something that would drown out his thoughts, so he had thrown himself into training.

In the next two years, he didn't do anything else than train. His mind had been full with fencing, he had dreamed about it, had thought about it constantly, and he had almost forgotten about his old life when he was finally ready to compete again.

He didn't know if that had been his intentions but when he had stepped in front of his first opponent in years, they proved to be impossible to maintain. As soon as he set a foot on the fencing strip, his mind suddenly provided him with memories of his six members and he found that he was very glad he hadn't forgotten about that part of his life.

Since then, he hadn't really stopped thinking about them and his life as an idol. It seemed like he unconsciously had missed it all that time and that first fencing match in ages had brought back the longing for the past.

So, to see them performing at the Olympics had been quite a shock. He hadn't really thought about the possibility of any idol groups performing there, even if it seemed logical once he had heard about it.

After all his fruitless attempts at avoiding everyone he knew from before, he was just glad that Jooheon and Namjoon had taken it the way they had and his former members hadn't done anything else than ignoring him.

Until they hadn't anymore.

Okay, that wasn't exactly true, but Mark had spoken to him and the others hadn't seemed so averse to talk to him. Especially Jaebum of all people.

So as he slowly walked back to his waiting room, the pain in his ankle gradually increasing since the end of the match, and closed the door behind him, he didn't really see it coming but he also wasn't that suprised when a moment later, he suddenly heard several voices in the hallway and a group of people bursted into the room.

As he spun around, his fencing mask still hanging loosely from his fingers, he was just able to recognize Monsta X, BTS and his former members, before Jooheon tackled him in a tight embrace and congratulated him on winning the gold medal. His fencing mask fell to the floor and he just patted his friend's back and thanked him, before Jooheon let go of him again and Namjoon was the next to give him a hug and a congratulation.

After that, the other members of Monsta X and BTS congratulated him and they talked for a moment, before there were gone again, all in a matter of a few minutes. That left him standing in front of his six former members and he didn't really know what to do with himself.

He picked his fencing mask up from the floor again, just to busy himself with something, when Mark suddenly stood in front of him and pulled him into a tight hug.

“I'm so proud of you!“, he said and Jackson didn't know if it was that or the situation itself, but he felt tears well up, closed his eyes and clung to Mark a bit more. A moment later, he felt a hand patting his back and as he opened his eyes again, Jinyoung stood beside them and gave him a small smile. Mark let go again and Jinyoung took his place, brushing one hand through the sweaty strands of hair at the back of his head and still patting his back with the other.

“We have a lot to talk about.“, Jinyoung said, quiet enough that only Jackson could understand him. “Congratulations on winning the gold medal.“, he added a moment later with a big grin and let go of him again. Jackson returned the grin and felt the tears in his eyes finally dripping down his face. He rubbed them away and suddenly had not one or two but three bodies hugging him close.

It felt like they had become bigger since the last time he had hugged the maknaes, but at the same time it felt just like it always had. Bambam had seemed to put on a little more weight but that wasn't bad, Jackson had always found him too skinny. Yugyeom was just as tall as he always had been and he looked so much more mature that Jackson felt the tears well up again. Youngjae just laughed right into his ear at that and Jackson didn't complain because he had missed that laugh and Youngjae felt older too and he just didn't want to acknowledge yet that they all were so different now but somehow still the same.

When the three of them let go again after a while and Jackson didn't felt like he would cry again, there was suddenly only Jaebum left who hadn't congratulated him yet and he felt his heartrate pick up.

The older boy just strode over to him and hugged him close and it suddenly felt like four years ago because Jaebum still felt the same and Jackson was sure that he would always feel that way. Jaebum was familiar and his hug was as comforting as it always had been, even when there was still this ache in Jackson's chest where his heart was.

As Jaebum let go again and took a step back, the reality of it all hit Jackson without a warning and he let his gaze sweep over the six boys standing in front of him.

There wasn't a place for him anymore.

He thought he had accepted that long ago but there was this feeling in his chest, quite similar to heartbreak but somewhat different, and when Mark said that they could talk about everything in the next days, when they all had enough time to sit down and talk, Jackson didn't mention that his flight back to Hongkong was in the noon of the next day.

Maybe it was cowardly and maybe with that, he did the same thing again he had done all these years ago, but he couldn't give them a chance to talk to him. He wasn't ready to explain why he had left four years ago and it all had been easier when he had still believed that the six of them hated him.

They didn't have much time to talk after that, Jackson was summoned for the medal ceremony and the other six had to get ready for their performance at the Olympics.

They said goodbye to each other and left in opposite directions and to Jackson, it almost felt like a farewell already.

His thoughts were interrupted by a staff member guiding him to one of the entrances to the stadion, where two other fencers, one of them his opponent from earlier, were standing. They greeted each other in English and the guy he didn't know congratulated him on winning the gold medal.

They were then announced one by one to get their medals and stand on the podium, starting from the third place, making Jackson the last one to go out.

When he heard his name, he walked out as normal as possible to not let someone see his injury, waving to the clapping and cheering spectators. It all seemed too familiar and for a moment he felt like he just walked out onto the stage at a concert.

The memory vanished as quickly as it came when Jackson felt the weight of a medal hanging from his neck and he stepped onto the podium with a wince, standing about a feet higher than the other two fencers. A bouquet of flowers was thrusted into his hands and he smiled at the cameras as reporters were taking pictures. He could see himself on the big screen on the wall and he was only mildly uncomfortable because of all the attention. He wasn't used to that anymore.

The moment was over as fast as it had came and he found himself going back to his waiting room to finally get changed and he wondered if his parents were watching him on TV right now.

He made a mental note to call his family as soon as he was back in his hotel room and continued his way to his waiting room, already looking forward to an ice pack and possibly a pain killer for his foot.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The other six watched the medal ceremony in their dressing room while getting their hair and make-up done for their performance.

While no one in the audience seemed to notice anything, they saw the limp Jackson still had and the slight wince as he stepped onto the podium. He covered it up well with a big smile for the cameras, but they knew what they needed to look for.

“He really needs to get that checked out.“, Jinyoung said from where he said on a chair, his gaze fixed on the TV. The others made approving noises and focused back on the screen, where they could now see Jackson slowly walking back to the backstage area.

“It's a wonder he could fight with that.“, Yugyeom said and Bambam nodded approvingly.

“Anybody else wouldn't have been able to compete.“

Soon after Jackson disappeared in the inner area of the stadion, they turned the TV off. The Olympics weren't finished yet and even though there were still competitions of other disciplines taking place for the next week, at the end of the day, the six of them were only really interested in Jackson's participation.

Not long after they finished dressing themselves, a staff member picked them up for their performance. By now, the feeling of standing on a stage where so many people, especially all around the world on TV, could see them, was familiar and the nervousness from the first day had eased a little bit.

They didn't know if it was because of the familiarity or because they had spoken to Jackson not long ago, but they felt more carefree, enjoying every second of their performance.

Jaebum questioned if Jackson was watching them right now and he was almost sure he did, was almost sure he had seen every one of their performances.

He couldn't wait to talk to him again, they had to catch up on four years of seperation after all and he knew the others were feeling the same. Jaebum remembered the several times one of them talked about something and turned around to see Jackson's reaction, only to stop for a moment to remember that Jackson wasn't there anymore. That kind of thing happened especially right after his disappearance, but sometimes even now. When one of them would talk about something, they would get this fleeting look of sadness in their eyes when they realized that Jackson wasn't going to answer and it pained Jaebum to see the others like that.

The last few hours had been almost the happiest in the last four years and Jaebum was certain that none of the other five boys held anything against Jackson anymore. Sure, when they looked at him, they had to see four years of seperation and unanswered questions, but Jackson was back now and they had the chance to ask and tell him all the things they wanted.

As they made their way down from the stage after their performance, Jaebum realized that they had never asked Jackson for his phone number or where they could contact him. They didn't even know the name of his hotel.

He walked back to their dressing room with the thought that he definitely had to remember to contact Namjoon or Jooheon later that day to ask if Jackson had given one of them his number. He wouldn't risk letting Jackson fly back to Hongkong without talking to them again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Okay, so this is the second last chapter and gradually, I'm beginning to feel a little bit sentimental. I started writing this whole thing back in November of 2017 and I don't know yet how I feel about it ending soon. I already have some other stories planned but I really love this one because it was the first story of this length I wrote.  
> I'm working really hard right now on the last chapter and I really, really hope that I'll be able to post it on time next week!  
> Until then, I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for all your support!  
> Bye!

By the time Jackson had arrived at his hotel, had showered, called his parents and had collapsed on the bed with almost the whole menu of room service and an ice pack on his foot, Got7 had been announced and made their way onto the stage. The moment he took the first bite of a burger he had ordered, their performance started and he forgot the food in his hand for a moment.

Everytime he had seen them perform in the last few days, he always had had this feeling in his chest. It was a weird mixture of a couple of things – sadness, regret and longing – but what he was feeling most of all was pride. He was so proud of them and he felt happy that he once had been a part of them.

But everytime he saw them, there had also been this other feeling, something that just proved his thoughts from earlier right. He wasn't a part of them anymore and he probably would never be again. But that was alright. He accepted it, had accepted it a long time ago because he had never planned to come back again. It still hurt nevertheless.

Maybe it had been wrong for him to talk to his former members. From the start, all he had wanted when he had left was a clean cut from his old life. He had probably messed that up himself by competing at the Olympics but he really hadn't expected anyone he knew to perform there. Maybe that had been wishful thinking. Or stupidity.

They performed two songs he didn't know and by the time they were finished, his burger was lukewarm and forgotten in his hand. His appetite was also gone. It wasn't that he didn't like their performance, he loved it, but just looking at them brought that specific ache in his chest back. He grew accustomed to it over the years but that didn't make the pain any better. He doubted that it would ever go away again.

They showed how the six of them walked off the stage and Jackson looked at Jaebum when he walked by the cameras. He looked happy in a way that he hadn't in the past few days and that lessened the pain in Jackson chest a bit. He wanted Jaebum, all of them, to be happy. That was all he ever wished for.

And he was sure that they could be happy without him. Maybe it would take some time but someday, they would be happy. Someday they would forget about him and live on and he would treasure the memory of them forever but would accept it. He had to. He couldn't asked them to forgive him that easily and if he was really honest, the past few years had been easier. Not necessarily better, but easier. He hadn't had to constantly hide his feelings for Jaebum anymore or be careful not to let anything slip. It had been relieving.

So while he zapped through the programs and ate his food even though he didn't have an appetite anymore, he tried to keep telling himself that it was the right decision to not let his former members know that he would be flying back to Hongkong the next day already. It was easier that way, for all of them.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

They all were tired and exhausted when they got back to the dorm that evening, therefore Jaebum had forgotten to text Namjoon or Jooheon by the time they got changed into their pyjamas and ordered take out.

Curled up together on the couch with several boxes of pizza in front of them, they watched TV for the rest of the evening.

By the time most of the fast food had been eaten, Jaebum was the only one still munching on a piece of pizza and the only one still awake. The other five fell asleep halfway through a movie Bambam and Youngjae had insisted to watch and since Jaebum wasn't really interested in it, he zapped through the channels.

He got stuck on a local news channel when he saw Jackson's face on the screen. The program reported on the newest medalists of the Olympics and mentioned Jackson because of his still existing fame in South Korea. Jaebum smiled when they showed a short clip of the end of Jackson's match and his joy when he finally won.

By the time the news program continued with another topic, Jaebum had fallen asleep, his head cushioned on Yugyeom's shoulder, and only woke up hours later when Yugyeom moved to get up from the couch, complaining how his legs fell asleep because Jaebum was sleeping like a rock beside him and he didn't want to move and wake him. The TV was still on and Bambam watched some of the daily morning shows. One by one, they vacated the living room until Jaebum could stretch out his legs on the couch and Bambam and him were the only ones still in the room.

The second youngest was watching the program on TV with eyes only half open and soon enough, his eyes fell close again and he leaned back against Jaebum's legs. With a fond smile, the latter grabbed the remote and zapped through the channels. There wasn't anything really interesting on at this time of the day, so he turned the TV off after some time and watched the screen go black.

It was still early, so he let himself fall back against the couch cushions and closed his eyes. The faint voices of his friends and the noise of the running shower lulled him once again back to sleep.

He woke up a few hours later with a knick in his neck and as he looked around to see what had woken him up, he noticed Yugyeom standing directly in front of him. The youngest was pressing his phone to his ear and was talking a mile a minute to someone on the other end. Still half asleep, Jaebum couldn't make out who it was or what they were talking about, but it was clearly something important.

Yugyeom noticed after a while that Jaebum was awake and hastily said his goodbye to the person on the other side of the phone. Almost immediately, he started to inform Jaebum about what was going on.

“Hyung! You're finally awake! We have to go to the airport, right now!“

Confused, Jaebum slowly sat up and just then noticed the others hastily running around in the dorm, pulling on clothes and getting ready to go somewhere.

“What? What's going on?“, he asked while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Jinyoung came up to them to stand right next to Yugyeom.  
“Yugyeom got a call from Jungkook a few minutes ago.“, he said. “Namjoon got a text from Jackson, saying that he was sorry for not saying anything, but his flight back to Hongkong is already today, in about one and a half hours.“

Upon hearing that, Jaebum suddenly felt wide awake. He jumped up from the couch and stumbled a bit, Yugyeom steadying him, before making his way towards his room to get changed.

“How do we plan to get there?“, he asked while pulling on some random pair of pants.  
“Our manager is already on the way to the dorm to pick us up.“, Mark replied from the kitchen, his voice muffled by some food he was chewing. Jaebum didn't reply and just pulled on some clothes in record time.

Not even five minutes later, they were all standing outside of their apartment building, waiting restlessly for their manager to arrive. Meanwhile Yugyeom was on the phone with Jungkook a second time, the youngest from BTS telling his friend everything important Jackson had texted Namjoon. The phone call ended just in time for when their manager finally pulled up to them and their quickly piled into the van.

“Jungkook gave me Jackson's phone number. We could try to call him, even though I doubt that he will pick up.“, Yugyeom said as their manager drove as fast as he could in the direction of the airport without breaking any traffic laws.  
“We try it anyway!“, Jaebum replied, his heart hammering a relentless beat inside his chest.

He should have known that Jackson would try to do something like this. After his sudden disappearance four years ago, it wasn't really a suprise that he tried to pull the same stunt again. But this time, Jaebum wouldn't allow him to go without an explanation. Not again.

So while their manager sped past the other cars on the highway and the six of them were sitting restlessly in the back of the van, the airport came in sight and Yugyeom tried to call Jackson.

After a few rings, it went to the mailbox, meaning Jackson either didn't pick up on purpose or he really didn't hear it. Yugyeom tried again a few minutes later as their manager pulled up to one of the many entrances of the airport and the six of them practically jumped out of the car.

Just as Youngjae pulled open one of the doors and their ran inside, Jackson picked up.

“Hello? Who's there?“

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The morning of his flight back, Jackson woke up with that kind of ache in his chest he had already felt the day before. His flight back to Hongkong was approaching faster and faster and he knew that he would abandon his former members in just the same way as the last time by not telling them that he would go back.

He tried to justify his actions with the excuse that they had never once asked him when exactly he would be leaving again and therefore couldn't blame him for not saying anything, but the more he tried to tell himself that, the more he felt the guilt trying to crawl up his throat.

He knew that there wasn't a place for him in Korea anymore, not with his idol life buried under betrayal and abandonment. A simple talk wouldn't answer all the questions that had seemed to gather over the years and Jackson also wasn't sure if he was willing to answer everything yet.

He woke up early, ordered some breakfast from the room service and packed his suitcase while eating pancakes and scrambled eggs. His foot still hurt like hell and the packing accordingly took some time and was accompanied by a lot of limping across the room to gather his things. He really needed to get that checked once he was back in Hongkong.

Two hours later, his suitcase was finally packed and his breakfast eaten, so he decided to take a quick shower before he would call a cab to take him to the airport. He let himself soak for a few minutes and thought back to the phone call with his parents the evening before.

After a scolding, first from his father and then also from his mother about not calling once the whole time he was in Korea for the Olympics, his parents congratulated him and told him how proud they were. In the background, he could hear his brother screaming his congratulations and he told them all his thanks. After a few minutes of talking to both of his parents, his father suddenly left with some lame excuse about having to help his brother with something and Jackson knew immediately that his mother wanted to talk to him in private. He instantly knew what she wanted to talk about.

“So... Did you meet some of your friends?“, she started, without beating around the bush. He had had a lot of friends in the past but he knew who she was talking about.  
“Yes, I did.“ Jackson didn't want to talk about this.  
“And? Did you talk?“  
“Mom, what do you want to know?“, he said impatiently. He knew his mother meant well but that didn't mean he found discussing this topic pleasant. His mother let out a deep sigh.  
“I know how much you've missed them these past few years, honey. And I can also imagine how they must have reacted when they saw you again. Is everything alright?“  
“You don't need to worry, mom. Everything is alright. I've talked to them, to all of them. They were angry at first and I think they still are a little bit, but they were happy to see me. Or at least I think they were.“ If not, JYP must have made them attend some acting classes, but he didn't tell his mother that.  
“I think I'm going to visit them again some time later this year.“ She also didn't need to know that he was in no way planning on going back to Korea again.  
“That's great honey!“, his mother said. “I'm glad you're talking again. You know that we wouldn't be angry if you decided to stay a little longer, right? We can still celebrate your win a few days later.“

What did he do to deserve a mother like her? She was the benevolence in person and he couldn't thank her and his father enough for everything they had done for him in his life. But still, he couldn't stay. And not even his mother could persuade him to do just that.

“I know mom. But I think I nevertheless come home today. Thank you, though.“  
“Okay. It's up to you, honey. Your brother will pick you up from the airport.“ Jackson could have cried because of his mothers acceptance. It had always been like that. 

When he was little, he wanted to fence, just like his father and she was okay with it. When he was a teenager, he told her about his dream of pursuing a music career in South Korea and she had done nothing but shown her endless support since. When he came back to Hongkong four years ago, she welcomed him with open arms and was the one who held him when he cried his eyes out. He couldn't ever thank his mother enough for everything.

“Thank you, mom. See you later! I love you.“ He really wanted to hug his mother in this moment.  
“I love you too, honey. See you later, bye!“  
“Bye mom.“

When Jackson ended the phone call, he just sat there for a few minutes, staring at nothing. He didn't really feel better about his decision to leave, but he was reminded once again that his family would be there for him, that he wasn't alone. It wasn't the same, he knew that, but he would survive without his friends. He had survived the last few years, he was sure that he would be alive the next few too.

After that, the evening had went by pretty quickly and know he was putting on some clothes after his shower and gathered the last few things, before he eventually went down to the lobby with all his luggage to check out of his room. He handed over the key card and let the receptionist call him a cab and not even fifteen minutes later, he was on his way to the airport.

As the car drove out of the center of the city and to the airport, it felt like a deja vu for Jackson. Four years ago, he had been in the exact same situation and it almost made him sentimental. But this time, he knew it was for a good purpose and not for some selfish reason, like loving a person you're not supposed to love. Okay, maybe it was a bit selfish this time too because he still loved Jaebum and seeing him everyday would still hurt too much, but that aside, he was leaving because he didn't belong in Seoul anymore. He had no reason and no right to stay.

He arrived at the airport two hours early and after submitting his suitcase – with some difficulty, because walking with an injured foot that hurt like it was going to fall off any second and a lot of baggage in an airport is not the ideal for traveling – he decided to get something to eat. Boarding would start in an hour and there wasn't anything else he had to do until then, so he searched for any kind of famous fast food brand and limped to the one he found first. Normally, he was on a strict diet but he hadn't followed that since he was back in Korea, so he wouldn't start now after he had won the gold medal.

Thinking about it, Jackson couldn't really believe it yet. He had really won. He had fulfilled one of the dreams he had had since he was a kid. If he didn't know better, he would think that he would wake up any minute just to discover that he was still in Hongkong and everything had just been a dream.

But it wasn't a dream and he was wide awake, sitting in a fast food restaurant in an airport in South Korea, waiting for a flight that would take him back to a life he wasn't sure he wanted to live but knew he needed to live. For himself and for the others.

Following a sudden urge, Jackson took out his smartphone while eating his food and started to text Namjoon. He knew he couldn't text his former members, besides that, he didn't have their numbers, so he texted the one friend he was sure would keep this a secret. At least until he was gone for good.

He wrote a quick apology for not saying anything earlier to Bangtan's leader and informed him about the time the plane would take off. Namjoon answered a few minutes later and they texted a bit back and forth, before Jackson said goodbye. His food had been long gone but there was still half an hour until the boarding of the plane would start, so he decided to limp back to his gate and sit down somewhere near to rest his food.

On his way there, his phone started to vibrate in the pocket of his jacket and when he stopped walking and looked at it, he didn't have the number saved in his contacts, nor did he recognize it. Therefore, he just put his phone away again and kept walking.

When he arrived at his gate, he sat down on a bench nearby and watched the people around him, trying to somehow fill the time he had left. Jackson decided to play a game on his phone, took it out of his pocket and the moment he started the app, the same number as before tried to call him again.

The person on the other side couldn't have dialed the wrong number twice and because he was getting curious about who wanted to talk to him, Jackson picked up this time.

“Hello? Who's there?“, he said as he lifted the phone to his ear.

There was a moment of silence, before whoever was on the other side answered.

“Jackson!“ and “Hyung!“, several voices were screaming in his ear at the same time and Jackson froze in his tracks. He had just picked up a phone call from his former members. They didn't bother to wait for a reponse.

“Hyung, where are you?“, Yugyeom asked but was quickly drowned out by Youngjae.

“We're at the airport right now, hyung.“ Jackson's heartbeat stopped for a worringly long moment. “We know what you're trying to do, but please, don't disappear again without saying goodbye.“

When his heart started beating again, it was in a painful tact. He didn't want to hear the six of them saying how wrong his decision to just leave was. He still didn't say anything.

“Jackson“, Mark said this time. “Don't be stupid and do the same thing again. We're already here so we just have to find you.“

“And you can't run from us.“, Jinyoung added. “We know that for a fact because we saw you getting injured in your semi-final match.“

Well, and here Jackson was, thinking he had done a good job at hiding that. Apparently not.

“What are you doing?“, he asked. He couldn't believe they really came to stop him. How did they even find out? “I have to go back to Hongkong, I can't just stay here.“

Before someone could protest, there was some fumbling on the other side of the line and a moment of silence later, Jaebum suddenly spoke up.

“Jackson, where are you right now?“

Sighing, Jackson closed his eyes. They were already here anyways and boarding would only start in about fifteen minutes, so he didn't really have a reason to not let them talk to him. With another sigh, he answered.

“I'm at gate 5. I have fifteen minutes left, if you hurry, I'll still be here when you come.“

With some hurried goodbyes, the line went dead and Jackson really wasn't sure what he got himself into now.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The moment they heard Jackson's voice over the phone, the six of them were shocked into silence, not believing that he really picked up the phone. They seemed to collect themselves all in the same moment, screaming Jackson's name or “hyung“ at him.

Yugyeom didn't even wait for Jackson to answer, just asking him almost immediately where he was at the moment. Almost at the same time, Youngjae drowned the maknae out by saying that they know his intentions and didn't want to let him leave again without saying goodbye.

When Jackson didn't seem to want to answer, Mark and Jinyoung tried to tell him that running away from them literally wasn't possible and he shouldn't make the same mistake twice. When there was still no answer and they weren't really sure if Jackson was still on the other side of the phone, Jaebum took the phone from Yugyeom and pressed it against his ear, the other five coming closer to be able to hear if Jackson would answer.

“Jackson, where are you right now?“, the leader asked and after a moment, they could hear a sigh from Jackson. He still didn't answer for another long moment, but then they heard another sigh and his voice.

“I'm at gate 5. I have fifteen minutes left. If you hurry, I'll still be here when you come.“

The six of them almost slumped in relief when they heard Jackson was still in the airport and at least somewhat willing to talk to them. They hadn't really thought it through when Jungkook had informed Yugyeom that Jackson's flight back was today and they had dropped everything on the spot and went to the airport. They didn't want to think about what they would do when Jackson wouldn't have been willing to talk to them or had already been on board of a plane that would bring him back to Hongkong.

With some short goodbyes, Jaebum hung up and they practically run in the direction in which the signs were leading them to gate 5. The airport was huge and if they didn't hurry, Jackson might have already boarded the plane by the time they would arrive at the right gate.

They had lost some precious time when they finally arrived at gate 5 and saw Jackson sitting on a nearby bench, his injured foot stretched out in front of him. Panting, they made their way over to him and he stood up when he noticed the six of them.

“Jackson“, Jinyoung said, once they were standing eye to eye. “What do you think you're doing?“

“Ehm, flying back to Hongkong?“

“Yeah, we know that.“, Mark said. “But why didn't you say anything?“

For a moment, Jackson said nothing and looked down at his shoes.

“I don't know. You didn't ask.“

“But you could have said something!“, Youngjae protested.

Jackson guiltily looked away and looked out of one of the many huge windows in the airport. In the distance, a plane took off and he really didn't want to think about the flight that would take him back to Hongkong shortly.

When he looked back, the others were just staring at him, waiting for an answer and Jackson sighed. He sat down again and rubbed his hands over his face, before he looked up at the others, who were still patiently waiting.

“I don't belong here anymore.“, he said and didn't let the others protest. “I was gone for so long and I'm not an idol anymore. I'm already wondering why you would even talk to me. I just left without a word four years ago and I don't know why you still put up with me. I can't come back. This isn't my life anymore and you clearly manage without me.“

For a moment, the six of them just looked at Jackson, clearly baffled at his words. They seemed to didn't know what to say to that, but before Jackson could go on with his little speech, Bambam punched him in the arm, not very strong but still meant to hurt a little.

Jackson looked at the second youngest and his long time friend and was met with an angry and clearly exasperated expression.

“This is not about you becoming an idol again, dumbass! We don't care what you do, we just want you to be with us again! We miss you!“

“He's right!“, Yugyeom spoke up. “We don't even care where you would be living, we just want to be able to speak to you and see you from time to time.“

“But...I don't understand! Why are you not angry?“

“Oh, believe it, we are.“, Jinyoung said and a moment later, his expression softened. “But we weren't there for you when you needed us the most and we're sorry for that. It doesn't justify you running away but I understand why you did it. I probably would have done the same in your situation.“

Jackson just looked at Jinyoung, trying to register his words. Did he know? Did they all know? Even Jaebum?

Jackson looked at Mark and was met with an apologetic expression, while the others just looked sympathetic. When he turned to Jaebum, the leader of their group had a puzzled expression on his face and Jackson let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Jaebum didn't know. But the others probably did to some extent. He could live with that, it somehow felt like a huge burden had been taken from his shoulders. Sighing, he stood up again.

“I'm sorry. For leaving. And for shutting you out. That was the greatest mistake I've ever done in my life. It really wasn't your fault. I should have handled the situation better, running away is never the right solution.“ He sighed again and gave the others a sad smile. “But that doesn't make it any less true that my place is not here anymore.“

“But-“, Yugyeom started to protest again but Mark held him back.

“Okay.“, the oldest said after a moment. “Maybe your place isn't here anymore but that doesn't mean we can't stay in contact. If you go back to Hongkong today or if you stay a little longer, it doesn't matter. We would have wanted to be able to reach you anyway, so-“ Mark grabbed Yugyeom's phone, that the latter was still holding in his hand, and typed something in to it for a moment. A second later, Jackson's phone vibrated in his pocket and he took it out, just to see that Mark had sent him a message with all of their contact information attached.

“We have your number so it's only fair if you have ours too. So you can contact us anytime you want.“

Jackson doesn't mention that he can't just do that, not after all these years, not after him just disappearing. Even if they want him to, he just can't. It might be selfish, but it would hurt too much in the long run. Especially because he still has these feelings for Jaebum that didn't become less strong over the years.

He didn't know what but there must have been something on his face giving him away.

“Don't. I know what you're thinking.“, Mark said. “We really want you to contact us. Even about unimportant stuff or just to ask how we are doing.“

“Like the old times.“, Youngjae added smiling and Jackson was sure he would lose it and just start sobbing right in that moment, when a female voice announced that his flight was ready for boarding.

“I have to go.“, Jackson said and turned to pick up his stuff. When he turned around again, Mark just stared at him intently with a pleading look and Jackson sighed. If they wanted it that bad, maybe contacting them once or twice wouldn't hurt. All he ever wanted was for the six of them to be happy.

One after another, they hugged him and said their goodbyes, insisting on waiting until he had boarded the plane. Maybe it was just his imagination but when it was Jaebum's turn to say his goodbyes, the hug lasted longer and was just that little bit tighter than the ones from the others. Jaebum let his hand slight over Jackson's back, rubbing it in a comforting way, even though Jackson wasn't sure about what he felt comforted. Going back to Hongkong was his decision and he would have gone back sooner or later anyway, even if he would have stayed a few more days. He had to surpress the urge to run his hands over Jaebum's shoulders and just hugged him back for a moment, before pulling away again.

Taking a deep breath, Jackson said his goodbyes and boarded the plane, without looking back even once. He was sure he would have stayed if he would have seen their faces another time. He just couldn't do that.

He let himself fall into his seat, right next to the window and put the things away he didn't need for the flight. Plugging in his headphones right after the safety instructions, he stared out of the window when the plane finally took off and for the rest of the flight, he just listened to music.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The moment the plane landed in Hongkong and Jackson walked out to get his luggage, he took out his phone. With a sigh and a decision made, he typed a short message.

“Got back to Hongkong save. - Jackson“

Sometimes, he had to be selfish and do the things his heart yearned for.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I did it! And I'm still on time, it's still Sunday where I live!  
> I can't believe that this will be the last chapter.  
> I'm really, really grateful for all of the support and love you have shown this story! I never imagined that something I write will be liked by so many people and I'm happy that I could make some people happy with this story!  
> I have some other stories planned but the next time I'll be able to actively write something is in the beginning of March. I have some very important and difficult exams coming up and it was important to me to finish this story before I have to spend all my time studying.  
>  **Something else: The content of this chapter seems to be somewhat rushed to me and I don't know why. I'm sorry if something doesn't make any sense, feel free to point it out to me!**
> 
> For a last time, I hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully, we will see each other again!  
> All the best and love for you!  
> Bye!

Jackson grinned at the phone in his hand, nearly bumping into another person in the process. Trying to read text messages while juggling his luggage and a backpack wasn't that great of an idea but he just had been through a several hour long flight and a very exhausting week and in his opinion, that was enough of an excuse to not have much brain capacity left.

After another hopeless try to type something on his phone and balance his backpack, he gave up on answering and just read the messages, deciding to answer later.

It had been half a year since Jackson had been in Korea for the Olympics, therefore it also had been half a year since he last saw his former members. Even though his daily routine was the same as the last four years, everything seemed to have changed over the course of the last six month.

On the day he had flown back to Hongkong, the message he had sent his former members (to be exact: Yugyeom, because that was the number he had saved first on his phone) had spiraled into several messages over the course of that day, a group chat and individual text conversations between him and the six of them.

Yes, all six. Even Jaebum.

By now, Jackson was almost a hundred-percent sure that out of the six of them, everyone but Jaebum knew why he had left them all these years ago. Even though no one but Mark directly confronted or said something about it to him, Youngjae, Yugyeom and especially Jinyoung and Bambam had made some comments that made it clear that they at least knew something about his reasons.

Jackson didn't held a grudge that Mark had said something to them. He couldn't tell them himself six months ago and he knew he couldn't tell them now, even if he wanted to. He was too embarassed about it. And he knew that when he outright told them he had fallen and still was in love with Jaebum, they would try to coax him into telling their leader how he felt and he really couldn't do that. They all just got back to a stage in their relationship where everything seemed to be slowly getting back to how it always had been and Jackson didn't want to ruin that by telling Jaebum he loved him a little bit more than he maybe should.

He was glad that his friends couldn't see him through their text conversations because everytime someone made some type of comment about him and Jaebum, Jackson felt the heat rise to his cheeks and he was sure he resembled a tomato.

Right now though, he was laughing at something Bambam and Yugyeom had said in their shared group chat with all of the members. It had taken some time for him to be comfortable enough to joke around with them again and sometimes when he made a comment, he still felt unsure if the others would be angry at him for something that was intended to be a joke. But it seemed like they still found him as funny as they always had.

While reading the messages, Jackson walked through the airport in the direction of the exit, hoping that no one would want to talk to him or recognize him.

It was cold in Korea and the icy temperature caused his ankle, the one he had injured back at the Olympics, to hurt slightly.

The first thing he had done, when he had flown back to Hongkong after the Olympic games, had been visiting a doctor, because by the time he had landed and gotten off the plane, he could barely walk. His risky behavior of fighting with an injury resulted in him walking on crutches for almost two months and his parents had scolded him several times for the risk he had taken. To his luck, there was no permanent damage other than some slight discomfort after walking or training too long or being out in cold weather.

And today being New Years Eve, it was _really_ cold in Korea.

Jackson didn't really know what had come over him but he thought it would be a great idea to suprise his former members by spontaneously visiting them on New Years Eve. He knew that they weren't going home to their families and would be celebrating the start of the new year in the dorm.

Over the course of the last six months, all six of them had made some comments and suggestions about him visiting them in Korea. They couldn't visit him because of their schedule and they wouldn't be in Hongkong in the foreseeable future, so that left Jackson to be the one that could visit them.

Everytime they had said something about how they wanted to meet him again and be able to spend time with him this time, Jackson had always found an excuse not to go. The first few months, he wasn't really ready, the relationship between them wasn't fully that yet what it had been. As time went by and they got comfortable with each other again, Jackson wanted to suprise them. Sure, they would be happy if he would visit them nevertheless, but it would be more fun and nice for them if they didn't know he was coming.

Or at least, Jackson hoped they would be happy to see him without a warning in advance. He really didn't think it through when he got on the plane in Hongkong, but now that he was in Korea, he was nervous. He probably didn't have something to worry about but even though he had known the six of them for almost ten years, he had been absent for four of them.

With a sigh, he put his phone away and walked outside. Overthinking his decision wouldn't do any good, he was here now anyway and he certainly wouldn't fly back to Hongkong just because he was a little nervous.

With a shudder, he tried to bury himself a bit more in his way too thin jacket. If the inside of the airport had been cold, outside it was fucking freezing. Snow was falling in thick flakes from the sky, covering the already white ground in another layer and reflecting the lights of the airport and the street lamps.

It was already eight in the evening and the airport was packed with people, even though it was New Year's eve. Cabs were constantly driving away and coming back and the people around him were all in a hustle. Jackson was standing in the midst of it all, freezing, and put his things down to the ground in order to catch the attention of one of the cabs.

After a few failed attempts, he was lucky that a middle-aged cabdriver just so happened to be looking in his direction. The man helped him load his luggage into the trunk, before Jackson climbed into the back of the cab with his backpack and told the driver the address he was heading to. His destination was the dorm.

Others would have called it stupid that he had boarded a plane to another country without knowing where he would stay the next few nights, but Jackson hadn't really thought this whole thing through until now. He just hoped that his former members would let him sleep on the couch or so or he just had to find a hotel that wasn't completely booked out yet on New Year's Eve.

The traffic was awful, causing the drive to the dorm to take almost twice as long as normally. On the streets, lots of people were dressed up for the evening, talking and laughing together and Jackson smiled at a group of young boys that reminded him awfully much of him and the other six a few years back. They seemed to be just enjoying themselves, arms put around shoulders and laughing at something one of them had said.

One word he had always associated with his relationship with his former members had been “comfortable“. Since their trainee days, they always had been as close as brothers and never before had Jackson felt as accepted as and as loved as when he had spent time with the six of them.

Even after four years of seperation, there hadn't really been a phase in the last six months where the seven of them had felt uncomfortable with each other. Sure, they all had been cautious in the beginning, not really knowing what they could and what they couldn't say, but Jackson truly believed that even after decades of not seeing each other, they would just fall right into their old relationship again.

Nevertheless, Jackson was nervous to finally meet the six of them again. But he also anticipated it and couldn't wait to see them. Just imagining the suprise on their faces made him smile and he really looked forward to seeing Jaebum again. He had texted almost non-stop with the older boy over the last six months and they even called each other a few times, even though for the most part, another member had been with Jaebum whenever they had talked on the phone.

Being able to speak to Jaebum again had brought the feelings Jackson had tried to bury for the last four years to the surface again. To be honest, they had resurfaced the moment Jackson had seen his former members again at the Olympics, but because of all the other things going on, he had been able to mostly ignore them. Or at least, he tried to tell himself that.

Right now though was another story. He couldn't ignore them, neither wanted he to. Jackson had lived with this feelings for so long, he was almost a hundred-percent sure they wouldn't ever go away. He got used to them and the ache in his chest everytime he so much as heard Jaebum's voice. The older man presumably wouldn't ever recriprocate his feelings but Jackson had accepted that a long time ago and even though it hurt, he could live with it. As long as he could stay by Jaebum's and the other boys' side, everything was fine.

He startled out of his thoughts as the cab finally stopped in front of the dorm and the driver got out of the car to help Jackson with his luggage in the trunk. After paying the driver, he watched the car drive away, before picking up his stuff and walking to the entrance of the building.

By now, it was almost ten o' clock and the new year was merely two hours away. The others had to be home by now, this close to the turn of the year and Jackson's heart hammered in his chest as he squeezed himself and all his luggage into the small elevator of the building.

The building was oddly quiet, there wasn't any music or loud voices like someone would expect in an apartment building in the middle of Seoul on New Years Eve. The only things he could hear was his pounding heart and the noises the elevator made. It came to a stop on the second last floor and opened to the sight of the closed front door of the dorm.

While trying to be quiet, Jackson got his luggage out of the elevator and put it down right beside the front door, out of the way of other people who might would wander through the hall.

Wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, he stood in front of the door and took one last calming breath, that didn't really do anything to calm his pounding heart. Without another thought, he just pressed the button of the door bell and anxiously stared at the door for a few moments, that felt like hours.

He could hear voices inside the dorm and footsteps that came in the direction of the front door, but it took another few seconds before the door finally opened. It felt like it was all in slow motion as Jackson looked up from the invisible spot on the doorframe he was staring at and looked straight into the eyes of Youngjae.

For a very long moment, they just looked at each other. Youngjae stared at him as if he had grown another head or seen a ghost, but after blinking several times and rubbing his eyes, a small, unbelieving smile appeared on his face.

“Jackson-hyung?“, Youngjae asked, opened the door a bit more and took a small step forward. "What are you doing here?“

From within the apartment, Jackson could hear the voices of the others and several pair of feet seeming to come in their direction.

“I'm here to visit you, obviously.“, he answered the younger man grinning. Just then, a few other people appeared in the dimly lit hallway.

“Jackson?“, Mark asked perplexed as he stood besides Youngjae in the doorway. Behind the two of them, Bambam, Jinyoung and Yugyeom approached them. Jaebum was nowhere in sight.

“Suprise?“, Jackson shrugged with a big grin on his face. For another few seconds, they all just stared at him, not saying or doing anything, before Youngjae suddenly, being the one standing nearest to him, flung his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Jackson needed a second to comprehend the situation, but then hugged the younger man back just as tightly. Looking over Youngjae's shoulder, he grinned at the still staring faces of his other friends and held his arms open behind the younger's back, indicating for the others to also hug him. It didn't even took Bambam and Yugyeom a second to take Jackson up on that offer and soon, he had his arms full of the maknaes, much like back at the Olympics after his final match, when they had all congratulated him on his win and the three youngest had hugged him all at the same time.

Mark and Jinyoung meanwhile were just smiling at Jackson, who was smiling back as he looked at the two of them over the shoulders of the maknaes.

They were standing in the hallway for a good few minutes by the time the three youngest were pulling back again, and Jackson's arms had started to go numb. They took a step back and before he knew it, Jinyoung had pulled him into a quick hug that was over again as soon as it had began. He did squeeze his shoulder shortly after though and smiled at him as if they hadn't seen each other in years. What was literally right. Mark did the same and without a question, they helped him carry all of his bags inside.

The apartment was kind of messy, music was playing in Yugyeom's and Bambam's room and even though it was ten o'clock in the evening, there was some kind of delicious smelling food cooking in the kitchen. It was all still just the same as all these years ago that Jackson almost teared up as he looked around the living room.

Jaebum was still nowhere to be seen and Jackson wondered if he was even home. Without even having to ask, Mark answered that question for him.

“Jaebum just quickly went to the 24h store a few streets down the block. He should be back any minute now.“

While Jackson began to feel his earlier nervousness again, the others herded him to the living room and pushed him down onto the couch.

“You came just at the right time.“, Bambam said. “We were going to eat when Jaebum-hyung comes back.“

At the thought of food, Jackson stomach grumbled loudly, making the others laugh. Jackson felt a rush of fondness filling his heart as he heard Youngjae's contagious laugh and looked around the living room to see Mark grinning at him.

They made small talk for a while, speaking about Jackson's crazy idea to practically just jump on a plane without a thought to visit them, until Jinyoung carried a huge pot of ramen into the living room and the front door opened.

“I'm back!“, Jaebum called into the apartment and the others gestured for him to stay silent as they called their greetings back. Jackson heart started thumping in his chest again, just at hearing Jaebum's voice and just a few seconds later, he could hear quiet footsteps coming to the living room.

For a second time this evening, the world seemed to be moving in slow motion when Jaebum came into sight and at first didn't even register Jackson. The maknaes were quietly laughing their asses of as Jaebum just walked further in the direction of the kitchen, suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned around sharply. His eyes were instently fixed on Jackson and the latter just smiled awkwardly at him, not really knowing how to react.

“Suprise?“, Jackson said and stood up from the couch. It took all but three seconds for Jaebum to fully register what was going on, before a blinding smile made his way onto his face, that did something to Jackson's insides, and he almost tackled Jackson into a hug.

Jackson was almost sure that he never felt happier as in this moment, not even when they first made their debut all these years ago or when he won the gold medal at the Olympics. Jaebum hugged him as if they hadn't seen each other in years, what was literally true but they had seen each other half a year ago, but even that was a long time ago already.

He didn't know how long they stood there but after what felt like an eternity, that only could have been half a minute or so, Jaebum loosened the embrace and pulled back, still beaming at Jackson.

“What are you doing here?“, he asked and Jackson could only smile back.

“I thought it would be a good idea to suprise all of you.“, Jackson said and grinned first at Jaebum and then at the other six. “You wanted me to visit for so long now, so I just packed a few things and got on a plane.“

Jaebum just grinned back at him and looked happier than Jackson had maybe ever saw him. With the purpose to quickly change into something more comfortable, the leader disappeared in his bedroom.

“Jaebum-hyung seems to be really happy you are here.“, Jinyoung grinned and Jackson felt the heat rising to his face.

“Well“, Jackson said after a moment of trying to get his composure back. “You all seem very happy to see me.“

“We are!“, Youngjae almost immediately answered and Jackson smiled fondly at him. “We haven't seen you since the Olympics and we've really missed you.“

At that, Jackson felt a pang of guilt in his chest. He had missed them too, had missed them every day of the last four and a half years to be honest and just his nervousness and the guilt of leaving them all these years ago had hindered him at visiting them earlier.

Before he could form an answer, Jaebum came back, now dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie and sat down on the floor in front of the low table Jinyoung had put the food down on. The others quickly quickly got up from the couch too and sat down on the floor, surrounding the the little table. It was a close fit but Jackson fellt comfortable being squeezed between Jaebum on one side and Youngjae on the other.

Jinyoung dished out the food and Jackson could barely hide his happy smile as they all digged into their food.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Eating was a noisy affair, just like it always had been.

They had started to trade old stories sometime during the meal and had just stayed seated a little while longer after they had finished and all the food had been eaten.

For the most part, Jackson just listened to what the others had to tell, occasionally throwing in his own parts to a story. He hadn't thought that he would find himself ever again in this kind of situation and he was content with just listening to the voices of his six friends. Jaebum's presence right beside him distracted him a bit though but he was able to mostly ignore the pounding of his heart and just hoped that Jaebum wouldn't hear it, him sitting so close and all.

At some point, they also talked about the Olympics and the thoughts they first had had when Jackson had suddenly appeared on the TV screen. They had briefly texted a few times about it already but to hear it in person was something else entirely. Jackson hadn't thought he would be comfortable talking about it and feared that someone would accidentally spill the beans why he had disappeared back then, but to his suprise, every time they came near that topic, someone would maneuver to something else without Jaebum noticing. By now, he was really completely sure that Jinyoung, Yugyeom, Youngjae and Bambam knew as much as Mark about his reasons and he was glad about it.

With him arriving late and their late dinner, the new year was suddenly only fifteen minutes away. They decided to watch the fireworks on the roof of the building and quickly went to get dressed in their coats and shoes.

It was still freezing outside when they stepped out onto the roof and it was still snowing. They had a perfect view across the city, the centre of Seoul with its' many lights stood out between the quieter parts of the city and they could see lots of tiny people walking the streets near the dorm.

The seven of them stood beside each other on the ledge of the roof. By now, there were only mere minutes left of the old year and it was quite strange, but Jackson didn't feel sad that another year was already over again. So much had happened in the last twelve months, or rather the last six months, and he was looking forward to the new year.

Jackson startled out of his thoughts when Yugyeom pulled at his arm because there were suddenly only twenty seconds left until the new year. They counted the last ten seconds down together and Jackson just stood between Yugyeom and Mark and smiled fondly at his six friends.

When they reached the zero and the new year had officially started, fireworks were going off in the sky over Seoul and they could hear people in the neighbourhood cheering and rejoicing. Jinyoung pulled them all into a group hug and suddenly, Jackson was right in front of Jaebum. He was also still pressed between Yugyeom and Mark, but Jaebum stood across from him and as he locked eyes with the leader, JB smiled fondly at him. Jackson felt the heat rise to his cheeks again and he was glad that it was relatively dark outside on the roof. He smiled back at Jaebum and as soon as the hug began, as soon was it over again and they all pulled back.

Fireworks were still going off in the sky but the snow came down stronger now and they decided to go back inside again.

Back in the dorm, they all sat down on the couch and Jinyoung made them some tea to warm up their cold bodies again. Even though it was only shortly after midnight, they were all gradually getting sleepy. In their earlier conversation, Jackson had found out that the six of them hadn't even rested on New Year's Eve and had had dance practice until the late afternoon, causing them to be tired now already. Jackson himself was tired because of his several hour long flight and the fencing practice he had had the last week. Some important tournaments were coming up at the beginning of the year and he had even practiced in the early morning when his flight to Seoul had been in the evening.

Yugyeom was the first one who fell asleep, head hanging on Youngjae's shoulder. Knowing the youngest, he had at least stayed for another hour to dance after the others had already gone home. Mark gently nudged his leg and Yugyeom startled awake again. They told their youngest to go to bed before he woke up with a hurting neck because of the position he was laying his head onto Youngjae's shoulder.

With Yugyeom, Bambam and Youngjae also said their goodbyes and soon, the four hyungs were sitting alone in the living room. They talked for some time, before the question where Jackson would sleep the night suddenly arose.

“To be honest, I didn't book a hotel beforehand.“, Jackson said, scratching his neck and grinning sheepishly. “I thought you maybe would be kind enough to let me sleep on the couch.“

“Of course!“, Mark answered immediately. “The dorm is spacious enough for one more person.“

Of course it was, Jackson had lived here too once upon a time and the apartment was big enough for seven people, even though they hadn't had their own rooms.

“I get you some blankets.“, Jinyoung said and disappeared in the small room they used as a boxroom. He came back a few minutes later with his arms full of blankets and a spare pillow and dumped them all on the couch.

Mark and Jaebum said their goodbyes as Jackson and Jinyoung started arranging Jackson's bed for the night. Without realizing it, Jackson spoke his thoughts out loud as he watched Jaebum disappearing in his room.

“He hasn't really talked to me the whole evening.“, he said as he stared at Jaebum's closed bedroom door. He startled and blushed as Jinyoung suddenly answered.

“He doesn't know how he should deal with you suddenly being here again.“

Jackson just looked at Jinyoung spreading out a blanket and he suddenly really wanted to know how much the other knew about the reason he had left them all these years ago. Even though he was really sure how much Jinyoung and the other knew by now.

They stayed silent for a little while, until Jackson's bed was all made and Jinyoung sat down on the edge of the couch.

“Hey, Jinyoung“, Jackson began and sat down beside Jinyoung. “How much do you all know about the reason I left you back then?“

Jinyoung stayed silent for a long moment, before he sighed and looked at Jackson.

“Mark told us about it back when you were here for the Olympics and slept here at the dorm the night before your final match. We all know about it but Jaebum. He's still as oblivious as ever, even though everybody can tell that you like him. Even all these years ago, I knew something was up with you, but I didn't think you would leave because of that.“

Jackson felt the pang of guilt in his chest again as he looked at Jinyoung, but he couldn't see any accusations. Jinyoung must have seen the look in his eyes because he sighed before he spoke up again.

“Look, we don't hold anything against you anymore, not even Jaebum even though he knows nothing about your reasons. We're as sorry as you are about the situation, Jackson. We're sorry we didn't notice you were hurting and I'm sorry I didn't confront Jaebum-hyung about his girlfriend, even though I knew they were never really together or loved each other in that way.“

Okay, stop. That was too many information at once.

“Wait“, Jackson said and tried to clear his head of the thoughts flitting around in his head. “What do you mean?“

“Jaebum and his former girlfriend weren't a real couple. Their relationship was just for show, I don't know why.“, Jinyoung said and Jackson could see in his eyes that it was the truth. “The others didn't believe me at first, until Jaebum broke up with her right after you left and he wasn't upset about the breakup at all.“

“Okay, that's a lot to process.“, he simply answered, making Jinyoung laugh a little.

“I know.“, he said smiling. “And I will let you do just that now because I'm tired and I know that you're tired too. Goodnight Jackson-ah.“

Jinyoung pulled him into a quick hug, before he stood up and disappeared into the maknae's room, where his room adjoined.

Jackson just sat there for a few stunned moments, before he opened his suitcase and quickly changed into something more comfortable. He turned off all the lights and lay down on his makeshift bed.

Sleep didn't come at all to him for the next half hour, too many thoughts were still flitting around in his head and with a sigh, he decided to get something to drink. He stood up and walked as quietly as possible into the kitchen. He hadn't been in here the last time he had been in the dorm during the Olympics, but the kitchen, much like every other room, still looked the same as it always had. Jackson grabbed a glass out of a cupboard and filled it with water from the sink, before leaning against the counter.

As he stood there, drank his water and just stared at the cupboard across from him, he suddenly heard a door opening and startled at the noise. He refilled his glass, just to be doing something, as Jaebum slowly shuffled into the kitchen and stopped in the doorway when he spotted Jackson.

“Oh, hyung“, Jackson said, trying to mask his nervousness as Jaebum walked further into the kitchen. The latter just smiled, grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the sink.

“I really missed you calling me that.“, Jaebum said after a moment and Jackson looked up to see the older smiling at him.

Jackson remembered the times he had jokingly questioned why he should call Jaebum hyung when the latter was only one and a half month older than him. Even the fans had at some point picked up on the joke and it had become some sort of running gag, even though Jackson hadn't ever meant it so seriously.

He smiled back at Jaebum and refilled his glass for a third time, hoping to calm his pounding heart by having something to do.

“I missed you too.“, Jackson said, as he leaned back against the counter with his glass and looked at Jaebum. The older just stared at him, his glass untouched and after a moment he put it down onto the counter.

“You know, I never really understood why you left so suddenly.“

And there it was. The conversation Jackson had wanted to avoid having with Jaebum at all costs.

Jackson didn't answer, so Jaebum just continued speaking.

“There were never any signs that you weren't happy with our career or as an idol, so I don't understand why you left us and became a fencer again.“

Jaebum looked at him seriously and so intently, that Jackson felt as if the older could see right into his soul. He didn't want to have this conversation but he couldn't just say nothing, so he sighed, closed his eyes for a brief moment and looked back at Jaebum again.

“It wasn't that I didn't want to be an idol anymore. I just couldn't.“

“But why couldn't you?“ Jackson could hear how frustrated Jaebum was.

“I can't tell you the reason.“

“Why?“

“I just can't!“ Gradually, Jackson felt some frustration built up in his chest. “Just accept it. Please.“

Jaebum pushed away from the counter and moved right in front of Jackson, only one or two steps away.

“I can't accept that.“, he said and crossed his arms over his chest.

Jaebum's anger issues had become severely better over the years, but he was still stubborn and got frustrated easily. It seemed like that hadn't changed over the last four years either. Jackson was a stubborn person himself and nobody got Jackson as frustrated as Jaebum. It had always been that way.

“I won't tell you why. You didn't tell us your girlfriend all these years ago was fake either.“

Oh shit. Jackson hadn't meant to say that but he nevertheless seemed to have really hit the mark with that. Jaebum moved his arms from his chest to hang loosely at his sides and the expression on his face was pure shock but mixed with a bit stubbornness still.

“How do you know that?“, Jaebum asked after a moment and Jackson could see his hands clenching into fists. He sighed again and put his glass down too.

“Jinyoung told me. He didn't know for sure but he knows you better than anyone and suspected it.“

For another moment, Jaebum just said nothing, until Jackson could see the defensiveness in his eyes.

“And even if that had been the case, it doesn't matter.“, he said and furrowed his brows. “That's something else entirely. It doesn't have something to do with you suddenly disappearing on us all these years ago.“

With out Jackson wanting it, all his pent up frustration and hurt from years of loving Jaebum and not being able to do anything about it without ruining their friendship and their careers, resurfaced and he pushed away from the counter. Him and Jaebum seperated merely a step now.

“Of course it matters! If I had known that she wasn't your real girlfriend all these years ago, I wouldn't have left!“

For a second time, Jaebum was stunned into silence and he just stared at Jackson, as the latter fully registered what he had just said.

“What?“, Jaebum asked after a moment and all his anger seemed to have vanished and was replaced by this small spark of hope in his eyes. Jackson was just embarassed he had revealed something to Jaebum that he hadn't even told the others personally, Mark aside.

“I wouldn't have left if I had known she wasn't your real girlfriend.“, Jackson repeated. It was too late now anyways and he couldn't back down from what he had said.

They just stared at each other for a moment, before Jaebum suddenly got this glint in his eye and Jackson could only move back and bump against the counter as Jaebum stepped into his space. They were standing too close, Jackson's heart hammered in his chest and all he could do was to keep looking into Jaebum's eyes.

“So what if my relationship was fake? What does that have to do with you?“, Jaebum asked calmly and Jackson was sure he could almost feel his breath on his lips. Jaebum was a bit taller than him and he had to look up when he wanted to answer him. But as soon as they locked eyes, every thought escaped Jackson's mind. His gaze flicked down to Jaebum's lips for a moment and when he looked up into his eyes again, he could see some kind of realization there.

A movement in the corner of his eyes caught his attention and for a third time this evening, everything seemed to move in slow motion as Jaebum raised his hand to Jackson's cheek and stroked the corner of his mouth. Jackson didn't notice he was holding his breath, until Jaebum suddenly moved closer and without a warning just kissed him.

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds and was more of a short peck, but Jackson was sure that if his heart would beat any quicker, he would have a heartattack.

When Jaebum pulled back again, he looked stunned by his own action and quickly took a step back, bringing some distance between them again.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.“, he stuttered out and turned to leave the kitchen as quickly as possible. Afterwards, Jackson would be impressed that he had had that much brain capacity left, because the moment Jaebum began to walk away, he grabbed the olders hand and turned him around again, pushing him up against the fridge.

“This is the reason I left.“, Jackson said, before he pressed his lips to Jaebum's, hoping that he didn't misread this whole situation completely. Jaebum seemed to be frozen for the first few moments and Jackson was just about to pull back again, apologize thoroughly and dig himself a hole he could disappear in, when Jaebum seemed to comprehend the situation, grabbed Jackson by the waist and pulled them flush together. Jackson made a noise of suprise, before crossing his arms behind Jaebum's neck and burying his hands in his hair.

The kiss wasn't something heated or desperate. Jaebum leaned back against the fridge and they kissed tentatively, just a soft touch of lips, that deepened slightly when Jaebum tried to pull them even more together and Jackson moved his hands to the sides of Jaebum's face.

It could have been seconds or minutes or hours that the two of them just stood there kissing, completely ignoring everything around them. When they finally pulled back again, they were both slightly out of breath and looked at each other with the same stunned expression. They were still standing as close as before and when they both fully registered what had happened just a few moments ago, they were smiling at each other.

“So“, Jaebum began after another silent moment and moved his hand to Jackson's face to caress his cheek. “I think I understand now why you've left back then.“

Jackson sighed, but without any real frustration and leaned a bit closer to Jaebum again.

“I've been in love with you for years.“, he said. “I had accepted that you wouldn't ever recriprocate my feelings but that didn't make it hurt any less. And when you suddenly announced you had a girlfriend and she was constantly by your side, I just couldn't take it anymore. It was stupid and cowardly to just cut any connection with all of you but I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.“

Jaebum didn't say anything and just kissed him again.

“I love you too.“, he whispered and smiled against Jackson's lips. The latter pulled back a bit to look Jaebum in the eyes, before practically beaming at him and pulling him into a tight hug.

They both knew they still had a lot to talk about but for the moment, they were content to just stay in each other's arms and enjoy the feeling of hugging the person they had longed so long for. Everything they had to talk about could wait until the next morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs that were my inspiration:
> 
> "Stay" by Hurts  
> "Take me home" by Jess Glynne  
> "One Love" by Marianas Trench


End file.
